Written by Winston Smith
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Topics: Armageddon, amish

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

image for The End Is Near...If You're Amish, More So.
Behold The Pale Horse

New York, USA - Authorities here are preparing for the imminent Battle of Armageddon now that four Amish men have been arrested for drunken driving of a horse-drawn carriage.

The Amish are known as a very devout Christian sect and locals here are taking this as a sign that the world as we know it is falling apart. Families are stocking up on gold, goods, guns, and gas as quickly as they can.

The Chautauqua County Sheriff's Office told this writer that he was following up on reports of buggy racing for pink-slips at the intersection of two rural highways when one of the drunken coachmen guided his equine-propelled conveyance directly into the path of the Sheriff's cruiser.

"Holey horse-radish!" exclaimed the Sheriff, according to eyewitnesses. Witnesses report that the cruiser knocked over one buggy and injured one of the drunken coachmen, thus allowing his co-racers to escape under maximum horsepower.

The four captured coachmen were later released on their own recognizance so that they too could prepare for the end of the world as we know it. Judge Moses Zettumfrei explained their release to reporters,"I know these boys and they will never do that again, especially since Armageddon is just around the bend of this road we are on."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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