Written by Kevin Nelson
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Topics: Newt Gingrich

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Not since the fall of Sauron has a candidate excited the citizens of Mordor as much as Mitt Romney. During a recent stump speech in Mordor, he spoke to a group of former Orcs now working as bankers, stock brokers and wealthy industrialists.

He told the crowd, which was nostalgic for the good old days of no environmental laws and a booming military industrial complex, that he looks forward to repealing all environmental laws, a massive increase in military spending and perhaps a civil war to unify his base.

Gov. Romney said, "I really respect and admired Sauron and I tried to utilize much of his management style while I was at Bain Capital. His obedience or death management style was a great result oriented system that worked very well till those liberals came here to Mordor and ruined a good thing."

"I tell you, it was those peace and love Shire liberals that ruined Mordor, not Sauron and when I rise as Dark Lord ummm, I mean when I'm elected president I'll restore Mordor to it's former glory and I'll rename New York City to it's original precolonial name, Mordor."

"I recently had the pleasure to visit Mount Doom University School of Business and was delighted to meet so many budding entrepreneurs who have innovating ideas on how to restore the ideals of Mordor in modern day business. You can still see many of the ideals that made Mordor great still abiding strongly on Wall St."

We spoke to Jolly Bandywine who broke the story for the Shire Times and he explained that breaking this story was no easy task.

"I sneaked into his rally disguised as small Orcling. It was a horrible and vile experience but I had to know what they were plotting. The stench was vile and it reeked of cheap cologne and cigars to mask their Orc scent."

"The adults were drinking expensive brandy to mask their foul Orc breath and they were discussing corporate mergers, hostile take overs and some horrible creature called a Newt. They seemed very afraid of this Newt creature and his dark power to destroy the common sense in those who hear it's voice."

"Some of the Orcs thought he might be a human-troll hybrid due to his bloated proportions and his lust for expensive jewels and human woman. What struck me most was their plot to restore Mordor to it's former glory and to use it as the template for a New World Order. They are terrified that this Newt creature creature is the modern day version of Gollum, that vile creature who threw the spanner in the works of Sauron and his cronies."

"They believe this Newt creature has the ability to cast spells in which people live a state of delusional grandeur. They report that when this Newt creature speaks to people who are living in squalor or who are elderly and poor they believe that some how the are part of the top one percent of society."

"He has the ability to con people out of their wealth, well being and even their access to medical care but they still think he's their saviour. The Orcs who have long infiltrated Wall Street society are terrified of his plot, not because they see him as a threat to their evil plots and machinations but because his delusions run contrary to their greedy aspirations of plunder and dominance."

"They see this Newt creature's goal as self serving and not as serving their goals and agendas. The Orcs prefer Romney because he has always supported their agenda and he believes their agenda is the only one that matters. That's why the Orcs want to see Romney raise to the throne of Sauron and not the creature called Newt."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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