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Saturday, 10 March 2012

image for GOP Candidate Mitt Romney Wins Hog Calling Contest In Hog Jaw Arkansas
Mitt Romney Pictured Using Intelligent Ageing Software In The Year 2032

They said it couldn't be done, but apparently it has, and some poor sucker has been left to clean up the residual mess, but city slickin' GOP candidate Mitt Romney, the Boston fandangler appears to have won over the Conservative electorate in the Deep South, after winning a hog calling contest, in none other than Hog Jaw, Arkansas.

The city where Bill Clinton once almost had an accident.

Local hog farmer, Elliot D Plumm, revealed that he invited Governor Romney to Ark (typo) on the grounds that if anyone on God's green earth recognizes a hog's ass, then Romney's yer man!

And if anyone's qualified to put a name on a hog's ass - it's Mitt.

"Ah thought it would be polite to axe the Boston banking magnate to name ma sow's piglit," Elliot D Plumm explained. "Cause the man obviously don't know shit about trout fishin' - An dah GOP is fulla hogs - racist hogs, selfish hogs, anti-Obama hogs, 911 conspiracy hogs an' hogs like Gingrich and that awful asshole Bill O'Reilly - anyways, I axed the city slicker ta cum name ma prize sow's hog."

Much to D Plumm's surprise, Governor Romney duly arrived in Hog Jaw, Ark (Sic) to call the hog.

It's something of a tradition in Hog Jaw to name pigs after hogs and vice versa. Although sometimes people name hogs after pigs and sides of bacon after cured hams, and where they call sausages Franks, after Frank Sinatra, because he did it his way or something - but these simple country folk aren't dazzled by big city sophistication.

When Mitt's personal government issue Apache attack helicopter touched down in Hog Jaw, the smoothy Boston banker greeted Hog Jaw, Ark (Sic) with the immortal line:

"Jeeze! Is this it? It stinks like the wrong end of a probe out of an alien spaceship!"

Local dignitary, Fr Francois Dubois* greeted the Mass (Ass-hole) Governor with the immortal line:

"Welcome to Hog Jaw, Ark (Sic) where men are men and piglits is noivous - and any of your Martha's Vineyard, Long Island, moonshine smuggling Kennedy type bullshit and Herbie'll blow yer brains out from the grassy knoll. Ya sharp suit wearin' joik off!"

"Why thank you," Mitt muttered, brushing sheep shit off his pants cuff. "When can I go back to civilisation?"

"Jess as soon as ya name the hog piglit, praise the Lawd," DuBois replied.

"The 'Lawd'?" Mitt wondered aloud. "Who dat?"

"He's the Bogfather of the Gambino crime family, outta Saint Peterport, Joisey," DuBois replied. "But don't worry about that. He's hittin' the mattresses in Hog Jaw cause he's plottin' a family feud wit dat asshole, Rush Limbaugh, after he done called Freddie Pinkerton's dawg a biatch?"

"What the hell have I landed maself in here?" Mitt ventured.

"You is in da shit, Mitt mate," DuBois said. "I loint dat off a Brit fiend o' mine. He's a asshole too, but at least he knows it."

"That's good to know," Mitt said.

"Y'all kin take it ta the bank and wipe yo sorry ass wid it," DuBois said. "Once the aliens have wrapped up their probin's n shit."

Governor Romney was then taken to Elliot D Plumm's 'Papa BS's' hog farm out on Country Road Six where they was feastin' on griddled grits, srimp, chilli dawgs, and black pudd'n burritos off'n the barBQ - and introduced to the hog he was tasked with naming in Hog Jaw, eagerly watched by a crowd of eight expectant Republicans who had been shipped in from the township of One Eye In Da Middle O Da Forehead, Georgia.

In his pre hog-naming speech - as is the tradition in Arkansas (Sic) Governor Romney cradled the shrivelled pink baby porker, and said that no matter how hard he stroked it, even the great Mitt couldn't make it grow any bigger. (Unlike Ellie Mae McClusky, who is renowned for her inspirational hand jobs round these here parts, and her whittlin')

"I was gonna name this piglit after the great George Dubya Bush, who allowed us all to slip into the abyss where we are currently floundering," he announced. DuBois responded by scratching his ass. And farting. Loudly. He blamed it on the alien probes. But that came later. "But I couldn't do that, because Dubya is a God fearing Republican and the NRA have promised not to shoot him. Then I thought about naming it after the porch monkey currently incumbent in the White House - but my buddy Rush Limbaugh told me that to do so would be racist in the extreme, I mean, calling the Kenyan guy a porch monkey and a bastard because he can't find his birth certificate. I told Rush that I'm no racist. I see niggroes all the time up in Boston at the Combat Zone, as I sweep by in the limo. Doesn't mean I have to communicate with 'em. Same as that asshole Weiner. Any man who sends pics of his prick on the net is a cock, in my opinion. Fucking Democrats - it could only happen wid a Brooklyn Yiddisher..."

"Fer Chrissakes git on wid it, y'asshole!" DuBois heckled. "The Guddammed Oasis Bar and Grill's about to open, an' I got to take a confession from Ellie Mae McClusky. I even bought the rubber gloves and the KY jelly special, dammit!"

Mitt soothed the impatient DuBois by waving a placatory hand in the air.

"After a great deal of consideration, and some thought - courtesy of Jerry Springer's brain - I have decided to take the unprecedented step of giving this suckling hog a double-barrelled handle, like those fine English dandies have. In honor of that, I name this hog Democrat-Occupy. After the Dems - who are all hogs in disguise, and its asshole is Occupy, after the pricks in Wall Street who stink and give one another STD's, and who have no respect whatsoever for the noble profession of banking and profiteering from the misery of others. Losers. I'm sorry that I can't stay on for cocktails - that's because I have to figure out a workable method of declaring war on Iran in my new job as El Presidente Del Estados Unitas. Viva Zapata!"

More as we get it.

Probably when the world ends.

*Monsignor Francois DuBois SJ appears in this mighty fine article by kind permission of The Vatican (Alien Anal Probing Division)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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