ATLANTA, GA--In what is already being hailed as one of the most depressing pieces of news in weeks, the Centers for Disease Control have rolled out their annual list of leading causes of death for 2011, and it appears that neither cancer, nor heart disease, are at the top of the list this year.
The new number one killer, according to the CDC, is the as-yet-heard-of category of "Fat-Ass Fails." Combining morbid obesity, which in itself contains dozens of unique killers such as diabetes and failed gastric bypass surgeries, with accidents, the new category has been aptly named to appeal to a younger demographic, a move the CDC hopes will open the eyes of an entirely new generation to the many perils this category can bring.
Among those, the top killers include: fat people falling off very tall ladders, chubby kids choking on buffalo wings, people way too damn fat to both fit into their Honda Accords and hope to steer properly, and of course, unintentional asphyxiation as a result of "big-boned" boning.
Kevin Fenton, a spokesperson for the CDC, says this rising area of deaths is both very scary, but also just a tad bit funny. "I mean, who doesn't enjoy a fat guy getting stuck in a bathroom stall?" he said. "That shit's classic. And with videos like that all over the internet, we don't even have to bother with a stupid awareness campaign."
Also of note on the 2011 list is cooties, which finally cracked the top ten by claiming the lives of 52,039 third-graders.