WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama was abducted by the crew of a space ship and has not been heard from since 4:20 a.m. (EST). Accordingly, Vice Presideent Joseph Biden has assumed the office of the presidency. His first act was to produce his birth certificate.
"All Americans pray for President Obama and his family," said Biden. "If the alien who abducted our President is the same one who impregnated the South Carolina girls, and Rand Paul, we have hope that Barack Obama will be returned to us safely," said Biden during a White House Press conferencce.
"How is it possible that the President could be abducted from the White House? Where was the Secret Service," a reporter asked.
"Mrs. Obama claims that she was sleeping soundly next to the President when a bright white light appeared in their third-floor bedroom. She said a being appeared in the light and (She) got a really good look at him. The alien was tall, of medium build (although he had a pronounced 'beer belly,') wore a crushed old fedora, a London Fog rain coat, knee-high socks and some sort of sports shoe," said Biden. "And thick glasses," Biden added.
"Mrs. Onama also said the alien spoke in a distinctly British accent when he told her husband,'Alright, mate, don't make me come angetcha; walk into the light. You'll be back in no time, none the worse for wear.
"President Obama asked the alien who he was and where he came from," said Mrs. Obama. 'The name's skoob1999 and I'm from Marz. Now don't dwaddle, I have a schedule to keep!"
Apparently the alien allowed Obama to gather some papers together in a file to take with him, said Biden.
Biden also said by the time Mrs. Obama screamed for members of the security detail, her husband and the alien, skoob1999, had vanished.
"There have been a rash of sitings of this skoob1999," said the new president. "I hereby offer the sum of one-million dollars, tax free, to the person or persons who can capture or kill this outer space criminal!"
Meanwhile, Democrats throughout the nation are in mourning for the President. "He was our best chance of holding onto power in the White House," said one. Another worried that old "Foot in Mouth Joe (Biden) was likely to start a world war with his mouth cashing checks his military could not cash."
What is truly interesting is the roof-top guards at the White House saw no space ship and no alien. RADAR over Washington and the enire Southeast also showed no traffic anywhere near the Whitee House. None the less, Biden order rotating flights of twenty fighter jets to "constntly patrol Washington and its surroundings.
When will this alien menace cease? When indeed.