WASHINGTON DC (Associated Mess) - President Bush, in a rare surprise visit to the House Of Representatives on Wednesday, physically got down on his hands and knees, begging Congress to approve billions of dollars for his well-healed corporate benefactors.
"Let's cut to the chase here, as we say where I come from," Bush said after placing his gold-plated cowboy hat on a desk and getting down on all fours. "We all know that I only got to become president because of all the money my corporate fatcat buddies donated to both my campaigns. Well, my well-healed friends expect some rewarding, as we say in Texas. So I'm not going to lie to you anymore. There's no point. I think it's pretty obvious by now that I've been paying them back under the table for the last six years."
The president went on to ask Congress to allocate $740 billion for his "corporate masters". Bush said that the alternative was that more jobs might be outsourced to foreign countries if politicians did not act, putting America's economy in jeopardy.
When representative Doug Byers (D-WI) brought up the fact that companies like Haliburton and Bechtel were already unfairly profiting off of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Bush said that the untendered federal contracts these firms received were a good start but not enough to truly pay back the billions that had been funneled to him over the years in exchange for the "presidential ear".
News of the president's impromptu speech quickly spread to the Senate where his request was met with mixed emotions. Democrats seemed intent on filibustering any bill allocating the money. However, Republicans, worn out after nearly six extremely trying years of attempting to uphold Bush as a fiscal conservative, were more intent on giving the president what he wanted.
"I'm just too damn tired to care anymore," said Tom Simpson (R-MI). "We all know Bush will get his money one way or another, so what's the f**king difference? Everyone knows he spends money like a twenty-year old trophy wife. Plus, the American economy is completely ruined at this point, what's another trillion?"
The House Appropriations Committee will not be able to convene to discuss the request until some time late next week because they are currently on a fact-finding trip to Hawaii paid for by Exxon's board. Democrat leaders say they will use the time to attempt to convince moderate Republicans to join them in their filibuster of any potential spending bill aimed at paying back Bush's friends in high places.
"Of course we're only going to threaten a filibuster and then back down as usual," said an aid to one Democratic Senator. "These people also contributed to our coffers so we don't want to anger them too much."
The source also shot down a rumour that Democratic Senators were thinking of suggesting a compromise bill that would see the White House picking up a corporate sponsor along the lines of a sports stadium like Boston's Gillette Stadium, instead of involving a direct monetary payment.
Daphne McPherson, spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch's News Corp, declined to comment on the matter except to categorically deny that the corporation, the parent company of FOX News, would be renaming the White House the "Fox House".
"They told me that if I don't get them their money, something might happen to America, something bad," Bush said later from the White House rose garden where he was playing fetch with his two dogs. "If you don't know what I'm talking about, go rent that Mel Gibson movie 'Ransom' from Blockbuster. Then all you people will know what I'm referring to. It's one of my favourite Mel Gibson movies along with the one where Mel can hear what women are thinking. I sure wish I could hear what Laura was thinking. But don't tell her I said that."
When reporters questioned the president about where the almost one trillion dollars would go, Bush remained tight lipped except to promise that none of the funds would go to "Kenny Boy Lay" or any of the other former corporate executives currently in prison, on trial or awaiting trial, that he has given nicknames to.
"These are not nice people, so we better do what they want," added the president after picking up after his dog Spot.