Written by Mark Garrison
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Friday, 2 March 2012

image for Santorum Plans to Live in Large Uterus Instead of White House
One of the uteri Santorum is thinking about living in.

Detroit, MI - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum unveiled his plan to move himself and his family into a "uterus of a suitable size and structure" if elected president.

He made the announcement during a speech at a Detroit go-kart manufacturing plant. When asked by a member of the media why he decided on this plan, Santorum said, "You know, I've thought about this a lot and I figured that the best way for me to control the medical decisions women make is for me to just move into their uteri. Now obviously I can't live in every woman's uterus, so I'll pick the biggest one I can find for us to live in and make all of my presidential decisions from there. Plus, it will save tax dollars since I won't have to use the White House. It's really a win-win."

There were loud gasps when Santorum asked if he could personally give sonograms and pregnancy tests to the female crowd members in order to evaluate their suitability. One very large woman volunteered but quickly pulled out when she saw what Santorum looked like up close.

Santorum's announcement comes just days after he stated that instead of using contraception, women should just "eat more butter" so that they "will become unattractive and unlikely to be impregnated."

Santorum is said to have commissioned a "Uterus Exploratory Committee" to find a uterus that is similar in size to the White House so that it too can house a bowling alley, a movie theater, and a situation room.

He ended his speech by chastising what he calls Obamacare and saying that the government shouldn't have any say in people's medical decisions. When asked how he can balance that statement with his views on women's health, Santorum laughed and said, "that's funny, you think women are people."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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