PAULVILLE KY (ABSNN) -- Senator Rand Paul (R) from Kentucky, reported today that he had been abducted by the same alien responsible for last week's impregnation of twenty-six South Carolinia high school girls.
"It was really an exciting evening," said Paul through his asshole. "There I was, reading The Rise and Fall of the Confederate Government by my hero, and fellow Kentuckian, Jefferson Davis, when all of the sudden a great light appeared in my room and from that light walked out a rather shabbily dressed man in a fedora, a London Fog raincoat, tennis shoes and coke bottle glasses."
Paul claims that he believed the man to have been sent from Heaven.
"Are you an angel?" Paul asked the alien?
"Not so much as my wife thinks," the alien replied.
"What do you want from me," Paul said he asked the alien.
"I want to study your brain and probe your ass," said the alien, who told Paul to call him skoob1999.
"Will it hurt?"
"Most people seem to like it. Come with me into the light," ordered skoob1999.
"The next thing I knew, we were in this room inside his space ship. He kept running this instrument over my head and frowning," Paul told reporters.
"Then he told me to take off my pants so he could probe my ass. But he neverr did."
Then I was back in my room with the alien. He told me I would remember everything that happened. Then he gave me this envelope to hand to reporters to prove my story," Paul said handing the envelope to this reporter.
"I abucted Sen. Ron Paul to study his brain. He has none. Likewise, I attempted to probe his ass (we all do that, ya know). But there was no beginning nor was there an end to his arse because he's all ass."
EDITOR'S NOTE: I agree thaat this is the best evidence yet of a true alien abuction!