Written by Menominee
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Saturday, 25 February 2012

Two once-popular but long forgotten familial bands from the seventies, the Osmonds and the Nolans, have entered into a bizarre Twitter feud about their preferred Republican presidential nominees and their conflicting religiosities.

The Osmonds favor ex-Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. The row kicked off when family spokesperson Merrill tweeted first that ex-Governor Romney represented all that was best about family values and in an era of difficult economic circumstances family is what really matters.

First out of the blocks for the Irish supergroup was Bob Nolan - a little-known cousin - who said that the Osmonds deserve to be experts on family values since they have twenty-three wives between them. He said the Nolans favored ex-Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum because they had once pet-minded his collie Ignatius Loyola.

Marie Osmond - a little-known sister - hit back by revealing she had only one wife (as has Mitt Romney) and that most Mormons these days eschew multiple-marriages and anyway wasn't it about time Catholics considered restraining their unfettered child-bearing in these straitened times?

Coleen Nolan was next on deck. Widely considered to be the sexiest of the sister act she tweeted that Rick Santorum was not only godfather to her ninth-born son Pius IX but had baptized him in the River Jordan during a cabaret season at the Eilat Holiday Inn. She initially added that Romney "looked like a robot with bog-brush hair" but later retracted that when Barack Obama was called on by the UN to intervene.

That seemed to have drawn a veil over the unseemly to-do but earlier today Donald - formally Donny - Osmond weighed into the fracas by tweeting that he was about to re-release his much-loved hit song "Puppy Love" as a tribute to Romney. 

Maureen Nolan responded within ten minutes, tweeting that maybe the Nolans could re-release their barely remembered 1982 recording "Crashing Down" in honor of Romney's faltering campaign.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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