SPOKANE, WA-Ruth Briggsby, a 64-year-old grandmother of five and retired school teacher, was driving home from the pharmacy on the morning of Ash Wednesday, when she passed the new Catholic Church on 18th Avenue just as its congregation was leaving, and had, according to her statement, peculiar matching smudges on their foreheads. Being the overly concerned matron she is, Ruth quickly ducked her '86 Cutlass Supreme into the nearest parking space and got out.
Sources in the parking lot say she appeared to come out of nowhere, and moved from person to person with unprecedented agility and zeal for her age.
"She just came at me," said clearly frightened churchgoer Paul Zucker, who claimed to have been singled out of the crowd by the steadfast 64-year-old. "Before I knew it she had grabbed hold of my shirt and pulled me down to her level. Then she pressed her spittle-soaked little thumb to my forehead and began rubbing it in a counter-clockwise motion. It was the most humiliating 30 seconds of my life," Zucker added.
The victims attempted to put an end to these most adorable of assaults by explaining to Mrs. Briggsby that it was Ash Wednesday, and that it's customary for members of the Catholic Church to brandish ash crosses on their foreheads, signifying the first day of Lent. Lutheran raised and poorly misinformed Mrs. Briggsy responded to these petty objections by claiming that it's no excuse to be out in public looking like "that filthy little neighbor boy, Jake."
"I know she meant well," said Father Bryan, "but I had no choice but to call the police. She was being rather forceful, and I know some of my members just gave up not being a complete pussy for Lent."
As of press time, Mrs. Briggsby was resisting arrest by adjusting the collars and straightening the caps of the first officers at the scene.