Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

image for The State of Texas Discontinues The Practice of Giving Death Row Inmates Who Are To Be Executed Their "Last Meal" Request
Some Death Row inmates got carried away with their "Last Meal" request. (Photo courtesy of Willie Nelson).

HUNTSVILLE, Texas - Convicted criminal Lawrence Russell Brewer was convicted of a crime so horribly heinous that it cannot even be mentioned in a family publication.

The state of Texas has historically allowed any convict who is getting ready to be strapped into "Old Sparky" the electric chair, or given a lethal injection, his choice of what he wants as a "Last Meal."

As citizens of Texas know this practice has turned into nothing more than an exercise in sheer lunacy.

How in the world anyone could justify giving someone who has been tried and convicted of having committed a crime serious enough to warrant being electrocuted, or given a lethal injection, his choice of what he wants as his "Final Meal" is absolutely astounding.

But that is precisely what has been happening for decades, until now.

Brewer who committed one of the most hateful crimes imaginable was asked what he would like for his "Last Meal." And he had the unmitigated audacity and sarcastic arrogance to ask for...two chicken-fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, fried okra, a pound of barbecue, three fajitas, a meat lover's pizza, a pint of ice cream, and a slab of peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts.

Huntsville State Prison employees spent an hour or more gathering up the scumbags menu request. The prison warden then placed it on a table in front of Brewer. And the prisoner did not eat one single bite.

He sat there grinning from ear-to-ear probably thinking to himself, I got 'em. I made them all look like a bunch of silly fools.

Well thank goodness that the powers that be have finally come to their senses and have issued a "That's it! Enough is enough!" proclamation.

So effective immediately the age old practice of providing Death Row inmates with their request for a "Last Meal" is like that Civil War motion picture Gone With The Wind.

One petite 97-year-old blue-haired elderly lady from Waxahachie, Texas, Myrtle Eunice Fetchtucker said, "Hell, that sumbitch didn't give his victim no last meal, so if I had my way, I'd shove one of the legs of my walker down the jerk's throat and tell the punk a*s piece of armadillo droppings to chew on that a spell!"

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The feisty Mrs. Fetchtucker is the widow of one of the most famous Texas Rangers in state history. Captain Cletus "Bubba" Fetchtucker retired in 1975, and the next year wrote his autobiography titled, 'The Story of Texas Ranger Captain Cletus "Bubba" Fetchtucker - I Never Shot An Outlaw - But I Sure As Hell Poisoned A Whole Passel Of 'Em.']

And so thanks to the spoiled brat antics of one convicted convict from now on Texas inmates who are scheduled to go to that great big, hot-as-hell prison in the depths of hell can make their trip on a damn empty belly.

February 27, is National Adopt A Stray Goldfish Day except in Massachusetts where goldfish have been banned since The Infamous Goldfish Epidemic of 1987.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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