Peanut Choking Horror - Who said airline snacks are safe? Not Mr. Fred Flatula, who stated, "I did not realize that one peanut could mean the difference between life and oblivion."
Turnaround Airlines say, "Our peanuts are as safe as anyone else's and have undergone rigorous safety tests." Mr. Flatula added, "Thank goodness for the turbulence that dislodged it through my nose." Although he failed to see any humor in it himself, he has allegedly granted Jerry Seinfeld permission to refer to the incident in his stand-up routine.
Top Ten airports for a Crash-land
An amazing survey just out purports to arrange in order the best airports for an emergency crash-land. This has caused outrage among aviation authorities. Believing that they are the experts, the Centre for Error Research of Stupid Pilots on Landing and Take-off, or C.E.R.S.P.L.A.T (for short) stated, "We have the most experience of crashing the world over and should have been consulted."
The organizers of the survey are unrepentant and claim, "We just want to be able to tell holiday makers where they can spend their holidays, and still have a better than fifty percent chance of escaping a burning wreckage alive."
As this journal went to press, an Airbus A380 was reported to be trapped in a holding pattern over JFK International Airport.
In his communication with ATC, the pilot claims that the autopilot will not allow him to resume control.
Airbus has admitted reluctantly that this sort of thing has happened before. They have advised the pilot to talk to the autopilot in a soothing French accent.