WASHINGTON DC (AP) Late yesterday, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Hooterville) announced stiff new legislation that would enact a national sex tax by "sex testing" all women every week.
The Congressman explained that women would be required to report to their nearest Drivers License Bureau on assigned days each week to participate in the sex test, adding, "It's just like a routine drug test, with the addition of a minimally invasive vaginal swab."
Boehner was joined at the press conference by Presidential hopeful Rick Santorm (R-13th Century) who expressed enthusiastic support for the legislation, and highlighted some of the details. "Not only will these new laws help reduce the deficit, they will reinforce family values. Our critics may say it's mandatory, but married women have the right to pay the tax in advance, and will only have to report for sex testing every three months."
The cost of the tax for married women who don't use contraception is $25 per week. But the bill also includes provisions for several surcharges. If any sex test is positive for the use of condoms or birth control pills, $10 is added. Single women automatically pay an additional $25 sin tax for any positive sex test result, even in the case of rape or incest.
The anti-gay National Organization for Marriage (NOM) expressed support for the new laws, but continues to lobby for a vaginal swab test that can also detect lesbian sexual activity, to avoid giving the "special right" of tax free sex to lesbians.