Written by Mark Garrison

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Tuesday, 21 February 2012

image for Gingrich Proposes Term Limits on Marriage
Credit: The same guy who painted Jesus. (Not an accurate representation.)

Detroit, MI - Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on marriage.

During a campaign stop in Detroit, Gingrich was overheard telling an attractive blonde female supporter that if elected he would immediately propose placing a two year term limit on marriage. He said the law would be retroactive to immediately end all current marriages that had lasted longer than two years and that he would sign an executive order if necessary to enact the new law.

When asked for clarification by his nearby wife, Gingrich became visibly shaken but stuck by his initial statement. "Well, you know, marriage is like a lot of other positions that require trust and fraud. So we should make sure the people involved don't have that long to really mess things up for the other person or for the public as a whole."

Gingrich's wife was seen trying to cry as she tried to quickly walk back to the campaign bus, however, her extensive plastic surgery had apparently soldered her tear ducts closed and also prevented her knees from bending.

Gingrich continued detailing his plan when he took the stage at a golf cart manufacturing plant. "I mean, come on guys, they're letting gay people get married in some states these days. The sanctity of marriage is being eaten away like Obama eats coriander pies or whatever the hell it is that Muslim Kenyans eat."

A member of the crowd who was wearing a "Sanctity My Ass" T-shirt yelled out about Gingrich's three marriages and how he cheated on and left the first two wives while they were battling horrible diseases and served the first wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital fighting cancer. Gingrich responded by saying that treating sick people with compassion is not something he or the Republican party as a whole has "gotten down quite yet" and asked for some time to learn more about this new thing he keeps hearing about called "morals."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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