Washington, DC -- Say goodbye to the almighty dollar. In a unanimous decision, the Federal Reserve's Board of Governors has voted to abolish the use of money in the United States, effective immediately.
"The world's economic system is broken beyond repair and none of the band-aids that we've applied are working," the governors said in a joint statement. "It's time to start fresh, so it's out with the old and in with the very old."
In place of cash transactions, the Federal Reserve suggests use of the barter system. "It worked in the Middle Ages and it could work even better now," one Fed Governor explained.
"You could walk into the store and barter your hat, let's say, for a bag of Doritos and a Diet Coke. How do you like that trade, Wall Street?"
There was no official comment from the Wall Street "investment" firms, which apparently have all gone out of business since their sole purpose of grabbing every dollar they could get their hands on has become completely pointless.
"Could you describe that Doritos deal again?" a former trader asked. "I think I want a taste of that."
On the home front, the banking industry is being forced to suspend all foreclosures, since a ban on money means no one owes anything. Savings accounts, credit cards, car loans and checking accounts also have become obsolete.
"We're thinking about getting into the prison business because we're good at locking things up," one banking executive said. "Does anyone have the governor's number?"
But the nation's politicians have lapsed into a stunned silence, since the political action committees (PACs) that fed them dollars and directed their every move have all gone under.
"I used to get my opinions from the most generous donors," said one senator who wished to remain anonymous. "But they've stopped the bucks from stopping here. So I've got nothing to say."