PORTLAND-Misery loves its company, it's the age-old cliché. It also happens to be the age-old lie, according to Misery. "What most people don't seem to realize," it said, "is that most of the time, I prefer to just ruin one person's life at a time."
For as long as this rumor has been spreading, its victim has remained largely off the radar. Finally, after years of torment and accusations of being "contagious," misery has decided to end its long-held silence.
"You know, when I was a bit younger, I did occasionally dabble in some company," Misery continued. "It was actually kind of fun to see how many people I could fuck with at a time. But now? I just don't have the time or energy for that shit anymore. It might be a little hard to believe at first, but it actually takes a considerable amount of effort to make somebody's life a complete and utter shit-fest."
When asked to elaborate on exactly what has changed in the way people react to its presence, Misery had this to say: "I feel that people these days are . . . seeking me out, almost asking to be miserable," Misery said. "They hang around their miserable friends all day, avoid fun and happiness at every opportunity . . . you have no idea how unrewarding that is. Like most people, I enjoy the occasional challenge."
Misery doesn't seem to be too far off the numbers. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Misery and Depression affect nearly 17 million Americans each year. That's certainly enough to spread Misery pretty thin.
"Maybe it's time for a vacation," Misery confessed. "I'm just so tired. A nice, relaxing trip somewhere might do me some good. I hear everyone in hell is already pretty miserable, perhaps I'll go there."