Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Crime, Detroit

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

image for Detroit to Furlough Crime to Save Money
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In an effort to further reduce the city's crime fighting budget, Detroit, Michigan, Mayor Donald Do-Little, has announced that the city will be furloughing crime to coincide with its limited police office hours. Only crimes committed between the hours of 8AM and 4PM Monday thru Friday will be counted in the city's crime statistics. Anyone committing a crime outside the restricted days and times will not receive any credit for that crime. There will be no exceptions.

This decision has not boded well for UMARTO which is the Union for Murderers, Arsonists, Rapists, Thieves and Optometrists.

"If all criminals wanted to beat, rob and rape the public blind between the hours of 8AM and 4PM Monday thru Friday, we would all have become bankers", stated UMARTO President Betty Bullet. "Who wants to get up early every day and go to work. The only people in our union who do that are Optometrists who make sure everyone has blurry glasses".

"Honestly, Saturday night is our busiest night".

While a lot of citizens in the city support the measure, there has been a growing number who have begun opposing the plan.

"We are all hurting here in this God forsaken city", railed 90 year old resident Granny Peachless. "But to restrict the livelihood of a profession just seems rather wrong. Here in Detroit we have always been very criminally correct. It is our criminal correctness that has made us what we are today, the most dangerous city in the USA".

"Crime has brought so much excitement and entertainment here. You have no idea how many times I have waited on my front porch until a neighbor walking down the street gets mugged. This allows me to scurry down to the 7-Eleven and grab myself a pack of smokes while my neighbor is getting the crap beat out of her. In those cases it has always been good idea to scream out over my shoulder as I ran: 'Stick it to the old bag' in order to get them to throw a few extra punches and buy myself some extra time".

"They're taking away everyone's entertainment I tell you. Where is Occupy Wall Street when you need them? They should be camping out at the Detroit Convention Center. Hell, it's not like anyone else is occupying it".

When told about Granny Peachless's comments, Mayor Do-Little was taken aback and responded:

"Hey I think she's onto something. Hell, they can occupy the Convention Center for free. Think of all the press that will show up. Think of all those press vehicles and all that equipment that they will bring. Boy, our pawn shops should make a killing on it. Come to think of it, I could use a good second hand camera anyway. Anything that is good for business is ok by me".

In other news the city of St. Louis is considering furloughing NFL football altogether.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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