Starting in Europe, a sharp rise in medical emergencies was detected in at least seven countries beginning this February 14, Valentines Day. The trend has reportedly continued west into Canada and the United States but is apparently affecting only men.
Dr. Horatio Spatch from the Royal Brompton Hospital in London has never seen anything like it. "It started in the morning, actually. Men arriving in droves with all sorts of strange afflictions. The maladies became even more interesting as the day wore on". Holding up one x-ray to the light, the image of a male skull showed a clear penetration of the cranium by the handle of a plastic bristled pot scrubber. "Yes, gruesome isn't it", commented Dr. Spatch. "I'd say we'll have to scrub up for this surgery, eh?"
Other notable injuries included a German man with a 5 inch stiletto pump inserted firmly in his left ear, a thong bikini brief tied around a Belgium man's neck so tight he couldn't breathe, and one poor English chap with the burned image of a steam iron clearly visible on his face.
The Americans reportedly suffered similar carnage including numerous head injuries received from handheld kitchen appliances, to one poor victim in Milwaukee Wisconsin with a vacuum extension wand inserted three feet up his rectum. "Rectum? That nearly killed 'em", chuckled Dr. Ivanna Flowers from Milwaukee General Hospital. "What was this guy thinking? Giving his wife a new vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day? What a moron." said Flowers.
Other patient reports seem to mimic the same causal factors leading up to their injuries, and all appear to have been influenced by an article published in TheSpoof News late in January. Titled "The Perfect Valentines Day Gift", the article referenced numerous studies where women reportedly preferred gifts like slutty undergarments, kitchen or house cleaning appliances, or "anything related to house work".
"It says right on the top of our website that we're a satirical news service", says Editor Mark Lowton. "I can't speak to how these victims interpreted the story. Apparently sharp as bowling balls, the lot of them".
Following the morning's Emergency Room carnage, Dr. Spatch attempted to issue a public service message to the press, urging those who had not already purchased a Valentines day gift, to "Keep it simple and thoughtful", said Spatch. "Dinner reservations, flowers, candy, jewelry. That will be much less painful than paying me a visit. You don't want to be the guy who bought his wife a new set of kitchen knives. Some things simply cannot be re-attached".