Augusta, Georgia -- An electric utility here is building the first new nuclear generating plants to be constructed in the US since 1978. Its safety secret: the use of giant, automotive type airbags to cushion and protect the facility from the destructive forces of earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes.
"Nuclear energy is now officially safe energy," said Bartholomew J. Simpson, undersecretary of overdevelopment for the US Department of Energy. "Our new airbag scheme will protect any reactor core from your choice of natural disaster, even if you forget to buckle your seatbelt."
Simpson explained that like the airbags in your car, the pneumatically inflated cushions of the Bumper Optimized Meltdown Barrier (BOMB) are designed to isolate all vital components of the reactor from virtually any external blow or shockwave.
"These huge pillows instantly inflate in .05 seconds, making them foolproof. Now even some idiot who would strap the family dog to the roof of his car can operate a nuclear reactor safely, all thanks to BOMB," Simpson noted.
The Energy Department official also reported that the nuclear industry has finally found a permanent solution for its spent fuel disposal problem.
"We're going to use surplus intercontinental ballistic missiles to shoot our radioactive waste up to the moon, where it will become China's problem," said Simpson. "We call this plan The Alice Option: Bang, Zoom, to the Moon."
When questioned about the wisdom of launching armament-ready plutonium into outer space, Simpson tried to calm the crowd.
"Okay, let's say the rocket fails and the missile has to crash back on earth. Maybe it lands somewhere in Iran. Maybe it lands in North Korea. Maybe it teaches someone a lesson. Don't ask me. I've never strapped a dog to the roof of my car."