Washington D.C. - President Barack Obama has won the 2012 Republican presidential primary. This marks the first time in U.S. history that a member of the Democratic Party has won the presidential primary for the Republicans. It also marks the first time anyone has won a political primary before it began.
The news was delivered to Obama as he was sitting in the Oval Office preparing his next inauguration speech. "Wow. Things are worse off for them than I thought," he said. "I mean, I figured I'd win the Democratic primary, you know, because nobody's running against me, but to win the Republican primary as well is like really stupid icing on a really sad cake," continued the president.
President Obama carried 49 states with Texas being the only exception where voters were said to have written in "hot dog" on their ballots instead of actually choosing a candidate.
We attempted to reach the Republican National Committee for comment but were only able to reach their voicemail which simply played a loop of the M.A.S.H. theme song.
House Speaker John Boehner was said to have collapsed upon hearing the news and was being treated for what doctors are calling "tear induced dehydration."