Written by J. Edward Tremlett
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Monday, 13 February 2012

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God, "angry beyond belief" at a facebook posting a young woman made, smote Whitney Houston over the weekend as "punishment," and posted the divine act to his Youtube account.

"I'm tired of you badmouthing me on the internet," the Lord of Hosts said to the woman, identified only as "Latisha," as he sat on his throne in Heaven.

"If you're going to spit in my face, after praying for me to look after this stupid, has-been junkie singer for all these years, then this is what you get."

"Maybe this will encourage some other gods to put a boot up their own flocks' ass when they get out of line."

At issue was the woman's complaints that God had not been looking after her needs.

"I've been [expletive] waiting for you to get off your divine [expletive] and come down here and feed the [expletive] starving, heal the [expletive] sick, and make the world a better place. But what do you do? Send gay people to Hell and tell me not to have sex before marriage. Seriously, what the [expletive]?"

God read her post aloud, and then commented point by point.

"I never promised I'd save everyone from starvation or sickness, young lady. The world's not supposed to be fair and good. We tried that once, and someone ate something they weren't supposed to. This is why we can't have nice things, Latisha. Ungrateful people like you."

At the end of his commentary, Almighty God brought up the fact that, while he hadn't been doing other things Latisha expected, he had been intervening on behalf of troubled singer Whitney Houston, at Latisha's request.

Houston was apparently Latisha's favorite singer, growing up. According to God, she'd prayed for Houston for "years" after drug and health problems ruined the singer's career.

"So, after spending those years looking after that woman and her self-inflicted problems, and keeping her from succumbing to her own stupidity, the fact that you'd badmouth me over the internet to all your facebook friends for something I'm not even entitled to do? That's just ungrateful, young lady."

"I mean. The curse words? There were more curse words in there than I thought I'd allowed to be invented. Ridiculous. Well, I'm going to put a stop to this. Right now."

God then took the camera down to Whitney Houston's home, walked through a wall, and smote the woman nine times -- one for each separate curse word used in the post.

"Oh, and I'm taking these smitings out of the miracles I had saved up for you, Latisha," God said.

God's Youtube and Facebook accounts have gotten over twenty billion hits apiece since the smiting. Commentary on his act of divine retribution seems to be running overwhelmingly in favor of his actions, though it is uncertain if the posters are genuinely in approval, or simply saying they agreed in order to avoid having their favorite musicians smited as well.

Nothing has been heard from Latisha, and her exact facebook identity remains a mystery.

Whitney Houston declined to comment.

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