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Saturday, 11 February 2012

image for Santorum Prohibits Possession of Birth Control Pills at Campaign Events
Santorum: "Birth Control? Not when I'm President."

RED BANK, NJ (AP) Former senator Rick Santorum (R-13th Century) drew criticism from both wings of the political bird yesterday when his campaign spokesman, Cardinal Ignatius Glick, held a news conference to announce that no birth control pills would be allowed at any of the presidential hopeful's campaign events or town hall meetings. Glick went onto explain that campaign staff and TSA agents would man the entrances at all events in order to search women's purses, bags, and back-backs. Any birth control pills found would then be confiscated, "in the interest of preserving Family Values."

Santorum had already been smeared with criticism for his unusually authoritarian position on birth control after he recently said, "...I think the dangers of contraception in this country, and the whole sexual libertine idea - many of the Christian faith have said, 'well that's okay, I mean y'know, contraception is okay.' It is not okay."

Despite his controversial opinions, Santorum surged from behind in recent primary contests in three states. Reporters questioned Santorum as he was stumping in Maine and asked if men would also be searched for contraceptives. He replied, "Of course not. They're men."

When asked if he thought the new search policy would make him less attractive to female voters, the sweater vested candidate looked genuinely surprised, saying, "Uhh... Women can vote?"

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