Washington DC - According to local nuns here, Catholics will not be required to carry birth-control devices in plain-sight when they leave home. In a special ceremony conducted behind closed-doors, a resolution was reached at the White House.
According to secret service agents, who spoke with us, the Pope had to kneel in front of Obama and kiss his ring. After that, the Pope was required to eat eight ounces of pure aspartame. What followed is not fit to print.
According to agents, when the Pope left the White House, he was smiling from ear-to-ear, and walking like a zombie, with his arms outstretched.
The President assured his aides, privately, that the Pope would not be a problem from here on. The Pope was last seen "wandering aimlessly around the Capital, his robes tattered and torn, a vacant but pleasant stare dominating his features", according to reports from a local school of literature.