Written by Jack Goff
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Topics: Sex, Economy, inflation

Friday, 10 February 2012

image for Cambridge Study Reveals Condiments Makes Ordinary Sex Better - Study Leads To US Economic Downfall

Cambridge UK - A group of psychoanalytic studies students conducted a study on human sexual arousal. This study sought to gain an understanding of which physical attributes, scents, sounds, colors, and even tastes aid in the arousal of individuals during sex or even preceding sex.

This study has found that most women are more aroused by tall men who smell like they have been working but haven't yet worked so hard that they have stinky body odor. It also found that women prefer men with deep voices and men dressed in dark clothes with dark hair and a tan.

Men have been shown to be more attracted to small petite women who have a very light flower scent. It also found that men prefer a slight raspy voice and bright colors on women such as red and yellows, blonde hair and golden tans.

One of the more interesting sides of this study was in the area of taste and arousal. This study has found that contrary to popular belief, chocolate and strawberries doesn't arouse people nearly as much as once believed. This study has revealed that tastes such as salt, vinegar, tomatoes, peppers, and many other spices have a much greater ability to arouse both men and women. They compared the results of using these products individually to using these products in various combinations. They found that the ratio of these products that are found in restaurant condiment packets have the greatest ability to aid arousal.

Cambridge University students were understandably perplexed over these result and decided to conduct a duplicate study in America with the help of a group of psychology students at Princeton University. The duplicate study shown remarkable similarities to its predecessor in the UK.

One of the Princeton University psychology students leaked the results of this study on Princeton's Student Community website and from there the information went viral. This study sparked thousands of horney teenagers and adults alike to test the validity of this study.

In one night alone in the immediate area surrounding Princeton University, young experimenters traveled from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant wiping out condiment supplies. Over the next several nights this chaos propagated throughout the entire east coast of America and within a week America's entire supply of restaurant condiments were devoured after being smeared on people's bodies and then licked off.

This led to several small restaurant chains having to file for bankruptcy and eventually having to close their doors because business owners were no longer able to afford condiments, but if they didn't provide condiments or if they charged for them, customers simply went elsewhere. Over several weeks the insatiable need for people to experience the arousing effects of restaurant condiments has led to more and more restaurants going belly up. All of this has added to the unemployment numbers in America and has led many who have fallen on hard-times to look for temporary comfort through vices such as mustard, ketchup, barbeque sauce, and Franks Redhot Sauce from grocery stores. Whereas many use to look for comfort in drugs and alcohol, now the vice of choice has become restaurant condiments.

There has been an epidemic and a continued growth of burglaries, robberies, and occurrences of shoplifting throughout the nation, all in an attempt to either steal condiment products for personal use or to be able to sell these now limited products on the black-market.

Violent riots have broken out in the streets all across America, leading to vicious assaults, beatings, muggings, and murders. Many Americans who have avoided the temptation of these tantalizing condiments have sought safety in makeshift shelters, many of which were left over from the Cold War. Economists have stated that between the rioting, murders, property damage, thefts, and jobless numbers as a result of this arousal study, has caused the value of the US dollar to plummet when compared to other dominating currencies throughout the world.

The American federal government in an effort to save many of these businesses from going under and provide unemployment compensation, has past legislation to provide bailouts. Many economists are expecting the current rate of inflation of the American dollar to continue to increase as a result of America's irresponsible printing of money which has already insanely moved away from the gold standard that was once an anchor to keep inflation under control. A few well known world capitalists such as George Soros has estimated that within a few months the US dollar will be as inflated as the Zimbabwe dollar, essentially causing a gallon of milk to cost in the $40 - $45 thousand range. George Soros had this to say about the US dollar, "I plan on acquiring as much US dollars as possible so that once the economy returns to normal, the billions I have will suddenly be worth trillions."

In a reverse of the trend over the past 200 years, Mexicans and other foreigners are leaving America at a rate of ten times faster than they were entering before the results of this study came out. Now boarder patrol agents are guarding the boarder from people trying to flee America so that they can seek economic security elsewhere. No longer is boarder patrol in the deportation business, they are now in the importation business by making daily runs into neighboring countries and forcing people to return to America with them.

This reporter has to bring this article to an end since the power company is outside to disconnect the studios power because we haven't been able to pay our $70 billion electric bill.

This is Jack Goff repo...... Oh crap, the lights just went out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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