Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 9 February 2012

image for Secret FBI dossier hid that Steve Jobs 'was John Paul II's son'
Poisoned apple: Jobs was rotten to the core says the FBI report

Washington - "Sure fitted the bill in terms of the Bush Sr/Quayle Administration official profile, heheh," was how one retired Federal official described the FBI report today.

Drawn up in 1991 during George Bush Senior's presidency the file describes Jobs as 'a deceptive, dishonest, drug-taking individual' who will 'twist the truth and distort reality in order to achieve his goals'.

Why such a description was enough to get him rejected as suitable material for a position on the President's Export Council - the main national advisory committee on international trade - remains a mystery.

Personal testimonies from long term friends and associates formed the backbone of the FBI character assessment including one family member who described Jobs as a 'deceptive individual who is not completely forthright and honest'.

Another statement claimed a bomb threat against Jobs was self-inflicted 'to make him look more interesting and victim-like' ahead of official probes into his dodgy family ties.

Some heavy black-pen redactions in the report still protect Jobs' papal kith and kin although the original FBI dossier on Karol Wojtyla's FNA family tree names all his miscreant siblings.

These include Prince Charles (real name Arthur Kapustin), disgraced Tory MP Liam Fox (from JP2's shaggings with Margaret Thatcher), John Major (former UK PM and Hellfire Club grandee), Lech Walesa and a host of other Global Piss Process luminaries.

Nancy Reagan is daft as a brush.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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