Written by Shawn Parks
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Monday, 27 February 2006

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Anti-Garfield Protesters Gone Wild

Several newspapers have been burned to the ground in the past few days. That is, the buildings where the newspapers are published - not the actual papers. Although, presumably, some papers did get burned in the process. Anyway, the culprits behind the carnage are groups of raving dog lovers, most of which subscribe to "Dog Fancy" magazine.

These dog fanciers, also known as canine worshipers, became enraged when they read a Garfield comic strip that was published in literally billions of newspapers last Sunday. The cartoon depicted Snoopy, the beloved beagle created by the legendary Charles Schulz, as a maniacal cat terrorizer.

Dave Madman, who was interviewed while protesting in the comic book section of a local Barnes and Noble book store, had this to say: "It is deplorable that anyone would imply that the lovable Snoopy would ever terrorize a cat." When asked if thought he might just be overreacting to a harmless joke, Madman replied, "If comic strips were meant to be funny, they wouldn't be printed in serious newspapers."

While Madman is keeping his protests non-violent, with acts such as picketing, toilet-papering cartoonists' houses, and throwing red paint on anyone with a Garfield t-shirt, other activists are not being so civilized.

In addition to the burnings, many protest groups have resorted to kidnapping Lois-Lane-Type female reporters, and holding them for ransom. Most of these reporters are of the "Margot Kidder Attractiveness" level, and of course, no one really cares that they are missing. However, some of them are of the "Teri Hatcher" or "Smallville's Erica Durance" levels, which is causing a panic in some communities.

At a press conference yesterday morning, Garfield spokesperson Katie Jensen told a group of all-male reporters: "Garfield is not now, nor has he ever been, a member of the Orange-And-Black-Power movement." After being reminded that the press conference was about the whole Snoopy issue, Jensen added: "Snoopy sucks anyway." Later that afternoon, Jensen was toilet-papered, painted, burned, and kidnapped.

No one knows when this insanity will come to an end, but in the mean time, we can all enjoy the anti-Garfield protest slogans. Here are some examples:
"Down With Garfield."
"Snoopy Yes - Garfield, Not So Much."
"Garfield Is Murder."
"No On Measure 5379."
"Snoopy For President In 2007."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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