BILLINGSGATE POST - NFL officials announced this afternoon that Madonna will not be able to join flight with the 1000 white pigeons that will be released during half-time at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis.
Citing information received from the Federal Aviation Administration, the NFL decided to cancel that part of the show that would have seen Madonna flutter up to the rafters of the stadium with the pigeons, and in a choreographed sequence, poop on the spectators seated below.
In the report, the FAA made its determination based on carbon dating data derived from Madonna droppings collected last month. It was discovered that the famous sex-bomb was 76 years old vis-a-vis her claim of being only 51. Having undergone numerous face-lifts and botox injections, she appeared 25 years younger to casual observers.
In essence, based on her body fat ratio and the vertical length of her hanging bat wings, the FAA found her structurally "unfit to get off the ground without an air start." To those not privy to the vernacular of Navy flight crews, an "air start" is the steam assisted blast that accelerates planes off the flight deck of a carrier. The term has also been vulgarized by Navy pilots to describe a sex act popularized by Monica Lewinsky and Slick Willy Clinton a few years ago.
The TOP SECRET plan to have President Barack Obama parachute from a plane to join Madonna in the song and dance routine of Bojangles is still on tap. In this choreographed presentation, the President will dance while the black-faced Madonna belts out this classic favorite.
To the relief of both the New York Giant and New England Patriot fans, the second half will start after all of this nonsense is over.
NOTE: You won't read stories like this in the NYT's. You shouldn't have to read it here either.