New York, NY - The U.N. has proclaimed that effective today, no animals will be slaughtered with barbaric and painful mechanical means, such as shooting in the head. Animals will be slaughtered sweetly.
Ms. Beeker, our correspondent at the U.N. reports that the new method of slaughter not only saves the animals pain, but costs less than a real bullet. The toxic sweetener, aspartame, is injected directly into the cows. The cow becomes very docile, then vacant, and then just falls over.
There are several more advantages to the new process:
- People who eat this meat report that it tastes really sweet
- People who eat this meat become addicted to eating this meat
- People who eat this meat die a lot younger, enriching pension plans everywhere
- People who manage pension plans can give themselves much bigger bonuses
- People who mangage pension plans can buy much more aspartame sweetened beverages to drink..