Sources within Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's campaign today acknowledged what most Americans have long believed: Romney is a robot.
When asked to comment on the report at a Tallahassee, Florida, Jiffy Lube where his car was inexplicably absent, Romney waved his arms up and down and shouted, "DANGER! DANGER!"
The revelation immediately reverberated throughout the campaign.
"I have always believed that life begins at conception," said former Senator and fellow candidate for the nomination Rick Santorum. "With Romney, apparently, we are still waiting."
Another candidate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, said that while the country may not be ready for a robot as president, he does favor more robots in the workforce, mostly because they can be operated by nine-year-old children.
"Robots might make good wives, too," Gingrich added. "You could have as many of them as you want without that 'emotion thing' getting in the way."
Yet another candidate for the nomination, Ron Paul, said it is no wonder Romney favors extravagant foreign spending, since most of his components were probably manufactured in China and India, and the former Massachusetts governor was "very likely assembled in Vietnam."
Romney's campaign was apparently forced to address the issue when strategists for President Barack Obama's reelection bid obtained the long form of Romney's birth certificate. The document turned out to be an engineering schematic designed in partnership by iRobot and Mattel, based on the Roomba and the Ken doll.
The Obama strategists, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they are not authorized to discuss the situation, said they became suspicious when they noticed that every time Romney worked a room, the carpet got cleaner.
The specifications for the robotic Romney, the Obama strategists said, included pearly white teeth, plastic hair that never changes, and an on-off switch labeled 'Abortion.'
According to the strategists, the project was contracted by Public Opinion Marketing for People Of Money, a company with offices in Boston, Salt Lake City, and the Cayman Islands. A spokesperson for POM-POM, who identified herself only as 'Suzi,' said the undertaking was the result of years of frustration on the part of the political marketing firm.
"Even the most finely detailed marketing messages tend to get blown up when human beings are involved," Suzi said. "They have this tendency to say something. With Ro-Money - oops, sorry, that was the original name - with Romney, we can just program in our marketing message, based on the latest public opinion polls, and the candidate will tell people exactly what they want to hear."
When asked who financed the project Suzi was evasive, admitting only that "it certainly wasn't the ninety-nine percent." She ended the interview abruptly, claiming it was time for her to ask a crowd of people in a gymnasium to "give me an 'R'!"
A Romney operative said he was unsure of how the revelation would affect his candidate's popularity in Bible belt states, but he was certain it would give him a boost in Silicon Valley and Connecticut. The operative spoke on condition of anonymity because Romney's nipples contain tiny laser diode modules with the capability of 'downsizing' him, a euphemism, he said, for reducing him to a smoldering pile of ash.
"The comforting thing," the operative said, "is that he continues to smile as he does it. That beautiful, beautiful smile!"