COTTON BALLS, South Carolina - Rick Perry's "Good Old Boy Bus Tour" pulled into the history-rich town of Cotton Balls, South Carolina.
The town is noted for being the place where back on March 13, 1863, a regiment of Confederate cavalrymen led by General Wadsworth "Bourbon Whiskers" Skimingbolt surprised a regiment of Union infantrymen led by General Jefferson "Moonshine Mouth" Doohickey, as the Federal troops were taking a 20-minute afternoon nap.
The napping Yankees awoke and took off running for the woods. None of the Union troops had their weapons with them as they were all being polished by the three weapons polishing women who traveled with the regiment.
The three women were identified by the Federal Civil War Participant's Registry as Emma Sackfitz, 36, from Pittsburgh; Florence St. Dragon, 42, from Cleveland; and Colleen Nippernickel, 19, from Cincinnati.
The battle known as The Battle of Cotton Balls Heh-Heh-Heh, is still noted for being the only battle in the entire American Civil War that was won without either side having had to fire a shot.
Perry noted that he was proud to be in the Land of Dixie, down in the land of cotton where old times there are not forgotten.
He smiled and said that he forgot the rest but that it did not matter because what did matter was that the wonderfully wonderful people of South Carolina vote for him so that he can kick the butts of Yankees like Mitt "The Bluecoat" Romney and Newt "The Yankee Spy" Gingrich.
The crowd hollered out "WE-WANT-RICK! WE-WANT-RICK! WE-WANT-RICK!"
And Governor Perry responded by saying "And I want y'all. And there are three damn good reasons why I want y'all. One is because y'all are fellow Southerners just like me.
Two is because y'all love your chicken and dumplings like me. And three is because...ah...hmmm...ah...well I can't rightly think of number three at the moment, but y'all being Southern folk and all, y'all get what I mean."
Perry winked and said, "It's kinda like we say down in Texas. You can put perfume and an Easter bonnet on a damn rattlesnake but the sumbitch is still a friggin rattlesnake."
The crowd erupted in thunderous applause and began yelling out, "KICK-MITT'S-BUTT, KICK-NEWT'S-BUTT, KICK-THE-OTHER-RICK'S-BUTT, KICK-RON'S-BUTT, BUT-NOT-TO-HARD-CAUSE-HE'S-AN-OLD-FELLA!
Perry smiled and said "I hear what y'all are saying and let me say this, I am a old Texas butt-kicker from wayyyy back.
And I promise y'all that when I am elected president of the United States I am going to take my wife and family with me to the White House, plus I am also going to get "Old Sparky" out of storage.
And every Friday night, right after the 11 p.m. news, 10 pm Texas time, we are going to be executing some guilty-as-hell convicted prisoner who has been on death row for way too damn long costing the American taxpayers $30,000 a year."
Perry took a sip of his Big Red Zero and said that it is high time that some of these bottom-feeding, low-life, mean-as-the-dickens criminals learn that the United States is no longer going to coddle anyone who thinks that they are above the law.
He added that, that goes for Republicans, Democrats, Episcopalians, Arizonians, Catholics, Arapahos, Jews, vegetarians, Red Sox fans, priests, Penn State football coaches, politicians, and atheists, especially atheists because those folks don't believe in God, so I can't exactly put the fear of God in them, but I can sure as hell put the fear of 50,000 volts of effen electricity in them, and you can bet one of your favorite longhorn steers on that mi amigo (my friend)."
And with that the South Carolina crowd started chanting, WE-WANT-ELECTRIC-CHAIR-RICK! WE-WANT-ELECTRIC-CHAIR RICK! WE-WANT-ELECTRIC-CHAIR-RICK!
Rick who is one tough Texas hombre was almost moved to tears.
In other news. Michelle Obama has said that whoever started the rumor about her appearing on the next edition of Dancing With The Stars has definitely got some strings missing on their banjo.