Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 19 January 2012

image for Chocolate Digestive Biscuits Can Aid In The Hunt For Serial Killers Says Local Man
Shit Chocolate Biscuit! It's Just A Shit Chocolate Biscuit!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today added his contribution to serial killer research by saying that chocolate digestive biscuits can be a fundamental element in the tracking down and apprehension of seriously disturbed serial killers.

According to Shuttlecock, hardly anybody can resist a nice choccy digestive, so he appears to be suggesting that if members of the public suspect a friend, family member, or acquaintance of being a serial killer, then they should present said person with a packet of chocolate digestives at the earliest available opportunity, in order to ensure their speedy detection by Scotland Yard.

Or Shylock Humes or somebody.

Or even somebody completely different, like John Cleese.

"It's all about crumbs," Shuttlecock told a group of bored criminologists at Bramley Apple Detective and Sleuthing College in Hampshire. "You see, if we'd had choccy digestives in the time of Jack The Ripper, he'd never have got away with it. Because he wouldn't have been able to resist nibbling on his biccies while he set about his dastartdly business. All they'd have needed was a bloodhound to follow the trail of crumbs, and they'd have nicked him. No problem."

Other crimes which may - at least according to Shuttlecock - have been solved by a strategically presented packet of chocolate digestives, include the Lindbergh baby kidnapping, the Fred West atrocities, and the notorious case of the Russian cannibal Andrei Chikatilo.

"Choccy digestives could have solved all of that malarkey," Shuttlecock said. "Admittedly, they wouldn't have been much help with these terrorist suicide attacks, but then you can't have everything. And nobody's perfect."

"That dipstick of a husband of mine certainly isn't perfect, and that's for sure," long suffering wife Anne said. "Choccy digestives my arse. The man's a buffoon, an idiot of the first order. And anybody who listens to his inane claptrap is as bastard batchy as he is. The soft get."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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