Washington DC -- Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton has begun transforming her diplomatic corp's global network of embassies and consulates into the world's largest International House of Pancakes chain.
"Let's face it, there are major problems in every nation in which we maintain a US presence," Clinton told a stunned press conference. "And we don't have the slightest clue about solving any of them. Hell, we're having enough trouble keeping our own government afloat."
Clinton pointed out that the US network of embassies and consulates costs billions of dollars to maintain and secure, contributing considerably to America's money woes.
"By changing our embassies' role from diplomatic sanctuary to dining destination, we can quickly move them from being financial burdens into paying off as lucrative cash cows.
"And speaking of cows, have you tried the new IHOP steak and egg breakfast combo?" the Secretary of State asked reporters. "We will be featuring it at all US Embassy IHOPs on our grand opening menu. It comes with hash browns and our world-famous bottomless coffee cup."
Reporters asked Clinton what would become of the nation's ambassadors and career diplomats now stationed throughout the world.
"Their positions will be reviewed on a case-by-case individual basis," the Secretary of State responded. "A lot will be riding on their spatula skills."
Clinton was also questioned about how America will be able to maintain its leadership role without a global network of embassies and consulates.
"I think if you look at the diversity we have on our menu, especially compared to McDonald's or Wendy's, who I might point out have zero nuclear capabilities, and you'll know who the leader is," Clinton said.
"Was my answer okay? Or can I freshen that up for you?"