(Washington, DC) In a surprise move, the Republican National Committee announced today that they have been purchased by Bain Capital Investments. RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, says that Bain had been purchasing shares in the RNC for the last year, but finally purchased the majority shares needed to have controlling interest in the association.
"Mitt Romney has stated repeatedly that when he's elected president, that he'd use his business experience to run this country. The first step for that, of course, was gaining control of the RNC. We expect business to continue as usual, with very few changes."
An unidentified spokesman for Bain, however, did say that there would be several changes to make the RNC more productive and cost-effective. "One of the first things that we've done is to fire the long-time mascot of the Republican Party, Ollie the Elephant. He's been with us a long time, but face it, with the crop failure this past year, we can't justify the cost of paying him peanuts. We have found an alternative mascot that, we believe, will better represent not only the party as a whole, including our supporters, but will be cost-effective as well."
When asked who the new mascot will be, the spokesman replied that, "After looking over the credentials of several applicants, it was determined that the best animal to serve as our mascot will be a pig named Reginald Von Hogg."
"Reggie" it was explained, best exemplifies the true direction of the party in offering up pork projects to major corporations in no-bid contracts that became the foundation of the last GOP administration in Washington. "We don't expect much in the way of problems with the Tea Party Caucus in congress, as their backers are the ones that will profit most from this acquisition."
On the general side, it's been reported that "Reggie" will represent the average Republican voter in that he thrives on the swill and slop fed him. "Face it: slop costs a lot less than peanuts ever did."
Other changes in store for the Republican Party are:
Name of the party being changed from Republican National Convention to a more youth-oriented name of Government Gone Hog Wild!
There are a lot of young people today that don't bother to vote. We want them to get involved by voting for our candidates, regardless if they show up or not. As the new GGHW, they expect many young men to become active in politics, and this new name will work wonders as many of them will mistake it for the Girls Gone Wild videos. This is one time putting lipstick on a pig will work!
Downsizing staff in the old RNC.
Currently, we have too many highly paid people on staff that are redundant with the staff of Bain Capital. With Mr. Romney joy at firing people, he's already passing out termination notices. We may hire some of them back at lower wages, on a part-time basis so we don't have to pay them any benefits, thus stream-lining the campaign process. Of course, we are also looking into outsourcing a lot of the work. Since China is already suffering from a labor shortage and Mexico would be a poor choice due to immigration issues within this country, we have decided that all outsourcing will go to Vietnam. While Romney was able to shirk that duty during the war, there are enough people there that learned and speak English from the American occupation, as well as many that still speak French from the days when it was known as French Indochina, will be beneficial for Romney to communicate his needs.
As a job creator, Bain Capital looks to make the GGHW with plans for future acquisitions.
"We are pretty sure that we'll be able to acquire the US Senate. Once there, we do suspect that there will need to be some major cut-backs. After all, where is the need to have two senators for every state? One should be sufficient."
After the Senate, the GGHW will then purchase the House of Representatives. "We'll have some major trimming there, of course. Once we've got that down to a manageable number, we'll purchase the Supreme court and the executive office."
While the changes made in the House of Representatives are still in process, the idea of cutting the Supreme Court down to three Justices has already been decided. Meanwhile, changed in the executive branch will include the elimination of the vice-presidential post as well as outsourcing the cabinet.
"Really, all the Vice-president does is act as a tie breaker in the Senate. If one is needed, we can always call someone like Labor Ready or Manpower and have them send a temp over for the day. Just think about the savings to the American Taxpayer!"
"Also, we intend to move the cabinet offices from appointments to outsourced temp workers. In fact, to help stretch the federal budget, we intend to replace all government workers with agency temps."
"As a last item on the agenda, we will not be recruiting new military personnel, as well, but again, will either outsource to a foreign country or fill in the gaps with agency temps."