Camp Crystal Lake - Maine - Startling figures released by the FBI this morning related that a staggeringly low 876 summer camp murders occurred last night, as opposed to 15,986 on the corresponding Friday the 13th date for August 2011.
Behavioral Scientist Doctor Park Centrale of NYU attributed the decline in reported homicides to the fact that most summer camps were deserted on this occasion, due to cold weather and heavy snowfall.
And to the fact that hockey mask wearing, machete wielding homicidal maniacs tend to be less active during periods of inclement weather.
Last night's stats revealed that only 111 camp counsellors were decapitated - a record low - and that only 486 were skewered by a variety of sharp fencepost type things whilst indulging in copulation.
6 Camp Blood campers were stabbed up the ass with sharp knives as they sat on the toilet, 19 were stabbed through walls, 72 were ambushed in the woods, 122 were waylaid by cannibalistic freaks on backroads, 52 were hacked to pieces as a result of visiting isolated gas stations populated by inbred mutants, and a further 8 were pulled over by homicidal cops who suspected them of being gay.
Which is patently ridiculous, considering that not a single one of the eight supposedly gay victims was reported to be an accomplished banjo player.
Independent reporters indicated that most of the casualties were either blonde girls with big tits, or loud mouthed jocks with toned bodies and brains the size of walnuts.
Either way, it's been a relatively peaceful Friday the 13th for the inhabitants of backwoods America.
Although Hollywood remains locked down.
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