Written by John Peurach
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Saturday, 14 January 2012

image for Much Ado About Michelle Obama: What Becomes an Angry Black Woman Most (Allegedly)?
WHO'S YOUR BETTER HALF? - "What do you mean you told them just wait till I come home?"

WASHINGTON - In a somewhat carefully calculated, yet decidedly overheated (with chance of a major talk to the hand) response to recent publicized assertions that she's something of an altogether looser than usual canon around the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama steadfastly claims - or, at least sounds like she's attempting to vocalize in that there direction; although, due to the overall state of her totally determined clinched teeth, and permanently etched ring around smile it's kind of tough to calculate - that she has not now, or ever, willfully run amuck enough (with or without the horse she rode in on) to otherwise impose any sort of agenda-based will and/or overly inflated, highly influential, ongoing desire to make anyone's had to be there life around the White House anything but a full-time, 24/7 (rhymes with heaven, not hell) picnic, of sorts.

Or, something like that.

Especially, with regards to the now evermore growing skuttle (accent - along with all eyes - on butt) concerning an assortment of apparently do ask/will tell White House aides who collectively have consistently made a reckless series of seemingly go for broke (or, worse yet, if handled strictly internally, a for certain inevitable decrease in already severely limited rest and/or powder room breaks) accusations that - despite any high end designer shoes that may or may not fit at this point in time, and/or, well-conditioned, forever on display bare arms, which, for now anyway, appear to only require every other day toning treatments - she, that is Mrs. Obama, Sir, in the course of her never ending busy day to day come what may activities as First Lady, has repeatedly given ample here to there and baby definitely got back evidence that she's found it entirely necessary to otherwise evolve into "some kind of angry black woman."

Initially, "smokin' hot," "funky chunky," and "big a#&" were reportedly also among the adjective groupings commonly used to describe the First Lady's ever present babeness quotient, inner/outer Oval Office tendencies, and/or nearest available southside girth, but, thankfully these were left out of any heretofore, partially glanced at published reports. And thus, have only been in constant irksome circulation all across the country, from sea to shining see nothing but evil see, via a wide range of AM radio talk shows, and, of course, during a steady variety of semi-off-camera strategy meetings of several, still as yet to officially come forward (due, no doubt, to their ever-popular, in some circle squares, common-like characteristic of backward thinking) GOP political camps currently out on the latest, WTF - Why not? You never know!, campaign trail.

Meanwhile, during a recent, more or less calm, but, at times strictly business as unusual interview with CBS News, that, in the end and/or, strategic points all along the way, couldn't help but play out like an over-the-top, final act, heavy breathing showstopper from Wagner's celebrated, "The Ring" ("Der Ring des Nibelungen"), Mrs. Obama said that not only hasn't she read "The Obamas" - New York Times reporter Jodi Dayzrnumbered Kantor's semi-well thought out new book - but, as of now, still has repeatedly found it necessary to also decline any ongoing, anything but outstanding, offers from nauseating, non-extraordinaire comedian Dane Cook to read it to her, during his somewhat now rather lengthy anything but creative hiatus caused by his recurring professional inability to dream up a properly inappropriate bit that contains the words, "Zagnut" and "wee-wee."

"I never read these books," Mrs. Obama told CBS's Gayle King during her lengthy two-part interview that was broadcast Wednesday, and repeatedly hacked into by some guy from Alpena, Michigan wearing nothing but a commemorative edition bathrobe showcasing great moments from "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In", and, apparently, a half inflated inner tube. "So I've just gotten in the habit of not reading other people's impressions of people. But, like everyone else, I still get a kick out of Rich Little every time he does either Dana Andrews or that guy who played Lurch on "The Addams Family."

Adding even more fuel to this all of a sudden out-of-control tire fire of an it-storm, is the somewhat unkind fact that, according to all accounts (generally spelled out using a poorly constructed succession of monosyllabic code words, colorful charts and graphs, and, what is believed to be an inadvertent, often repeated, misspelling of the word "mothertrucker"), Ms. Kantor's altogether wandering, sleepy-eyed take on the first family in "The Obamas" depicts the First Lady as a totally forceful, constantly meddlesome, overly aggressive backstage mama in just about every nook and cranny (and, of course, any potential hot spot home for potential in-house trouble that might somehow involve up close and personal contact with either a windowless corridor, a large desktop humidor of Cuban made panatellas, and/or, if need be, a White House Intern to be named - and subsequently, fully exploited by the working/jerking press - later) within the dark, dimly lit recesses of the Executive Mansion. Including it's palatial underground (five bedroom, 8 bath, well appointed kitchen/pantry/dining room, state of the art - if not New Jersey - home theater, Olympic size swimming pool, fifteen station exercise center, walk-in petting zoo) lair, to be used in case of Executive Branch emergencies and/or if no one invites the President and his family to a Super Bowl party.

Meanwhile, based on advice from outside the beltway sources she can always count on (funny man Rob Schneider, thick neck gridiron great Mike Ditka, and, legendary funky sensation Gwen McCrae) Mrs. Obama currently has no plans whatsoever to even think of reading Ms. Kantor's ultra-scathing, clearly mean-spirited expose, even if (as rumored) there's plenty of interesting, seldom fine tooth combed over tidbits about her husband (his, for years now, pen pal correspondence with former Chicago mayor Jane Byrne; his thought to be safely guarded obsession for both Kim Fields ("Facts of Life") and Molly Ringwald ("The Breakfast Club", "Pretty In Pink"); and, his longtime under the radar association with Pale Hose This!, a rag-tag collection of perpetually pissed off fans of the Chicago White Sox who routinely sabotage Major League Baseball message boards all along the safely unguarded internet watchtower, of sorts), as well as herself (her still not yet sorted out infamous high school senior prom night that somehow wound up with her waking up two days later in a tent then otherwise also occupied by six Eagle Scouts somewhere along the scenic shores of the Wisconsin Dells; her once upon a time, long supposed to be forgotten, school girl crush on former Chicago White Sox great Walt "No Neck" Williams; and, of course, her strange, but apparently true, insistence that Adam Sandler's "Little Nicky," along with "Doctor Zhivago" and "Mildred Pierce", are her top three favorite films of all time).

All of which, only adds to the overall wealth of sometimes totally out of left field hearsay that can't help but further pollute the book with items that will no doubt find a way to improperly feed the inquiring mind fancies of Red and Blue state honks of every stripe and/or misinterpreted solid. Such as the ongoing speculation (or, reasonably coherent belief) that Mrs. Obama's left big toe is twice the size of her right one, that she'll only eat oatmeal when it's served to her in a cookie jar rumored to have been purchased at an Andy Warhol estate sale, and that, if forced to choose - besides seeing her daughters try on several off the rack items apparently left behind by Pat Nixon - her favorite White House memory so far involves the time she and twenty members of the White House Corps Of Interior Designers spent an entire weekend in May of 2010 picking out an assortment of vintage throw pillows along with a well needed supply of (supposedly) accurately refurbished Union Army spittoons for the Lincoln bedroom.

Meanwhile, one of the more notable, and in some ways, most objectionable items found in the book appears to be the seemingly endless volume of accusations that Mrs. Obama has repeatedly been unable to cope with both the demands and otherwise adverse constraints of living in the White House. Especially when the kitchen staff fails to order enough Jiffy Pop for previously thought to be well planned out in advance state functions, and/or whenever flame oriented comedian Mario Cantone refuses to sometimes leave after his usual every other month three day sleep over.

"I love this job. It has been a privilege from day one," Mrs. Obama said in the interview. "And, when all is said and done, sure beats the endless, never let up pressure of being the safe at home better half of a community activist, who, no matter how you feel about him, looks damn good, pardon my French, in just about any suit you can find at the nearest Barney's, or, especially back home at Marshall Fields."

She went on to add, "Now there are challenges, that's for sure. Especially when "Jersey Shore" is on at the same time as a Bulls game. And, of course, if there's any anxiety that I feel now, it's because I want to make sure that my girls (Malia and Sasha) come out of this on the other end whole. Hopefully without getting too lost in making goo-goo eyes with the semi-cute, I guess, son of the President of Panama, and, oh yeah, whichever kid that was that played for some junior high school soccer team from, I think, Connecticut, who came through here for a visit with his team after they must have won something, and now keeps calling, like once a day, sometimes twice."

The book by Ms. Kantor also suggests that the Obama White House was nothing if not a non-stop series of ultra-high tension moments just waiting to always happen whenever Mrs. Obama, former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, and, former press secretary and presidential adviser Robert Gibbs repeatedly found themselves wearing the same exact field hockey skirts during a brief stretch of had to be there time back in the fall of 2009 when such a worthwhile sports oriented activity was implemented within an otherwise concealed front lawn location following an unfortunate lawn dart mishap involving a now forgotten dignitary from Uzbekistan and, surprisingly enough (or, maybe not) Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David.

The book also goes on to describe that Mrs. Obama has apparently gone through an evolution of sorts, that skips along (but not as gracefully as the late Paul Lynde might have, had he somehow been in a similar Executive Branch position; although based on recent findings uncovered during research for the highly regarded Clint Eastwood film "J. Edgar," don't rule it out) an otherwise onward an upward path from struggle to fulfillment via her role with the White House that, in the end, somewhat firmly labels her as an "unrecognized force" conspiring to both further pursue and ultimately push the president's goals down the throats and/or up the hearts and minds of an otherwise disinterested American public already somewhat overly contented with the fact that they currently have good seats for what promises to be the end of the world several weeks after the national election this upcoming November.

As is usual in cases such as these, due to heightened security risks and/or there never being enough time in the day to properly address the questions of scum loving journalists unless they can prove somehow that they are semi-professionally affiliated with TMZ, neither the president or Mrs. Obama consented to be interviewed during the preparation of this book. However, during a recent Camp David stay when the furnace went out, in order to keep warm and properly cook a big pot of chili they teamed up with numerous members of the Camp David staff for an all-day burning of approximately two truck loads of the book, hastily delivered to them from both a Barnes and Noble store in Towson, Maryland, and an Amazon distribution center from somewhere just south of Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.

"No doubt about it, I do care deeply about my husband," said Mrs. Obama during the CBS interview. "In fact, I am one of his biggest allies. I am one of his biggest confidants. And well, other than that thing he wears with a cup every time he plays tennis with either the girls, sometimes Mickey Rourke, and, well, all the time with Barney Frank, I guess you could say I'm also his biggest supporter, as well."

But, even so, despite these decidedly frank and all too strategic revelations, Mrs. Obama made a point of putting aside "this notion that I sit in meetings."

"No, as always, sitting is out of the question," said Mrs. Obama. "Especially when we got either Asha Bhosle or Lata Mangeshkar cranking and both Hillary and Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood are in one of their totally inspired full-tilt Bollywood dance all night moods."

"I guess it's just more interesting to imagine this conflicted situation here," she continued. "I mean, that's pretty much been an image people have tried to paint of me since the day Barack announced his intention of being the nation's president. You know, that I'm some kind of angry black woman."

"There will always be people who don't like me," Mrs. Obama added. "Believe me, that's something I've learned to live with. And, have grown to, yes, accept, ever since Dwayne "Boze-O" Robinson broke up with me during my freshman year in high school just because I failed to agree with him on the would-be musical merits of Amii Stewart redoing the Eddie Floyd classic, "Knock On Wood."

Following a slight pause, that apparently allowed Mrs. Obama to momentarily reconsider the awkwardness of such a still with her moment of once upon a time, she quickly went on to further state, "What the heck, I was entitled to my opinion then, and still am, despite the wishes of many of those around me to keep my thoughts to myself. The simple truth of the matter is that, I'm just trying to be me, and I just hope that over time, that people get to know me. And, don't hold some, or most of this stuff, against me. Especially anything to do with White House-based protocol and, oh yeah, whatever else I got going on around here that's still tuned into Adam Sandler."

When asked specifically about claims of dissension that might have once existed between herself and Emanuel (currently now the mayor of Chicago), Mrs. Obama said, "Rahmmy and I never had a cross word. Or, at least never an honest to good gosh, holy what the f*** swear word that we weren't already totally comfortable with using in the presence of each other. Particularly following a Cubs game."

Regarding any as rumored trouble with former press secretary Gibbs, Mrs. Obama was quick to respond with, "The same goes for Gibbs, who, despite his penchant for always wanting to try on my sweaters, is still a good friend, who will always remain so, no matter what the FBI, IRS and Homeland Security thinks of him now."

To clarify her ongoing concerns even further, Mrs. Obama went on to add, "I'm sure we could go day to day and find things people wished they didn't say to each other. Which, as far as I can see, is exactly why I don't read these books. Heck, it's just a game, a silly game, in so many ways, that doesn't fit. I mean, who can write about what I feel? What third person can tell me what I feel? And besides that, what sane person would give two you know whats to even worry about how I feel when chances are they're out of work, more than likely owe money all over town, and are, as usual, so out of shape from years of eating nothing but Big Macs, potato chips, and Pop Tarts that they can't even bend over enough to either tie their shoes or every once in a while look down to see if whether or not they still are anything reasonably close to being nothing more than simply a boy or a girl."

And finally, in response to repeated questions concerning the ongoing likelihood that conflicts continue to arise between her East Wing staff and the nearby staff which is responsible for all other aspects of life and business of state going on at the White House, Mrs.Obama felt the need to make a clear, precise point, in no uncertain terms.

"If there's communication that needs to happen, it's between staffs," said the First Lady. "I don't have conversations with my husband's staff. Unless, of course, it's his birthday, and/or, we, for whatever reason, find ourselves alone for longer than ten minutes, generally at the Kennedy Center Honors, but that's another story."

In other words, you read it here first , folks.......Four more years!

In still other words, now more than ever, since, well, as always, hope is alive and well in the Obama White House.

No word yet though on Crosby.

Oh well, it's early yet, despite the push by some to still believe that it's later than they would prefer to have us all, more or less (accent on less) think.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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