Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 14 January 2012

image for Ron Paul Says If Newt Gingrich Doesn't Stop Attacking Him He Will Open Up A Can of 'Whup Ass' On Him
Congressman Ron Paul is 76, but he says he does not feel a day over 74. (Photo courtesy of Nolan Ryan).

LAKE JACKSON, Texas - Ron Paul was back home taking it easy since he said that he does not like to travel on Friday the 13th.

He sat barbecuing baby back ribs in his backyard and chatting with Mistletoe Bulova, a reporter with the political publication The Political Drive-Thru Window.

Congressman Paul who does not believe that the United States should get involved in wars has said that if Newt Gingrich calls him Shorty one more time he is going open up a can of "Whup Ass" on him.

Miss Bulova asked the 76-year-old Texas native why he let Newt Gingrich's remarks get to him when he knows that Newt is just the type of individual who loves to bait people.

Paul took a sip of his Crystal Light Tea and shook his head. "Look, Miss Bulova is it?" He asked as she nodded affirmatively, "I have been in politics for a long, long time.

And to be honest I actually taught political science to some of the Sioux, Cheyenne, and Arapaho Indians who participated in The Battle of The Little Big Horn."

Ronnie, as his wife Carolyn of 54 years calls him, grinned like a school boy and said that he was just pulling her leg. He then winked and said that if he was 50 years younger that probably wouldn't be the only thing that he would be pulling.

"Mr. Paul!" Miss Bulova exclaimed. "I am shocked that someone your age would even make such an inappropriate remark like that. And let me just say that if you were 50 years younger I would probably file harassment charges on you."

"You would?"

"Yes sir. This is 2012. And the days of Herman Cain are behind us now. The days of Bill Clinton, and John Edwards, and even that Pillsbury Doughboy looking Newt Gingrich are gone with the wind like that famous Civil War movie."

"Ah which movie is that?" Paul asked.

"Gone With The Wind, Mr. Paul, remember Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind?"

"Oh...Gone With The Wind. For a moment there I thought you were talking about a movie titled That Pillsbury Doughboy."

Paul smiled. He dabbed at his hair. He made a strange face. And he asked Miss Bulova who the hell she was and what was she doing trying to sit on his lap with his wife no more than 20 feet away in the kitchen baking cornbread.

Miss Bulova shook her head. She stood up and thanked the congressman for his time.

Ron looked at his watch and said, "Yes hon, I do have the time, it's half past six."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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