July 5th, 2013 - Ontario - Showing the same staple crisis management skills he exhibited in 1983 with his Irish Setter, President Romney was caught yesterday trying to strap the entire US Postal Service work force to the roof of Air Force One for the yearly family vacation to Ontario.
As a patriotic gesture, the president had spent the whole morning with his son designing a large federal-worker-friendly crate that would be aerodynamic enough to withstand the expected 700MPH winds.
"When I said we'd streamline the federal workforce, I wasn't kidding!" he remarked with a laughing flourish. "As a safety precaution, we even added a windshield and a puppy cam so we could monitor how things were going up there," he explained above raucous federal labor union questioning.
Despite his reasonable explanations and legendary crisis management skills, the media continued to badger President Romney through most of the 5th, demanding he explain how he'd managed to shrink the federal postal workforce in half virtually overnight.
Against accusation that they may have been lost during the flight, Romney explained that most of the workers had actually quit right before they took off.
"We've been making so much progress with the free market since I took office that they were able to find better jobs in the private sector yesterday morning," he explained smiling.
"It turns out that all you have to do to lure public workers back into the private sector is to make sure private sector jobs are better, which is easy, as long as you're willing to add 'hanging out an airplane window' to their job descriptions."