Written by Ellie James
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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

image for Chinese Healers Released on Bail After a New Year's Eve Gone Wild
Not Osha Root, bot just some jungle leaves.

Miami, Florida- Five prominent Chinese healers were released from jail earlier this morning, almost a week after a New Year's Eve gone wild.

The herbalists had begun bringing 2012 into their lives in a very traditional and spiritual way. They lit incense, warded off bad spirits and made a few resolutions.

However, things got out of hand when the newest member of the Greater Coconut Grove Chinese Herbalist Society, known to locals as Herb Lee, brought out the Osha Root.

Osha Root is used to treat inflammation as well as upper GI problems. However, he also bought along a mysterious mushroom as well. Even with all of the years of experience between the medicine men, no one knew what would happen after they each took 60 drops of Osha root straight without diluting it, and then chased it with a purple mushroom that only grows in remote areas of the Congo in Africa.

According to the video surveillance from the Island Queen Cruise New Year's party boat, Mr. Lee and his fellow herbalists were seen doing the Macarena, which in of itself isn't that bad. However, the men were nude by this time of the early morning. The time stamp on the tape read 2:30 am.

Later on, Simon Chow, another Chinese healer, was annoying the ships captain by declaring mutiny and quoting John Claude Van Damme movies.

Becky Olivier, 23, of Aventura, Florida stated, "I didn't even know who Jean Claude Van Damme was. I had to Google him. But I did find it somewhat amusing to hear a naked man with purple mushrooms saying,'Warrior? You? How many doctors and nurses have you killed this week? How many children have you orphaned?' over and over again to the ship's captain in a bizarre mix of a Belgian and French accent."

After the party boat incident, they men eluded authorities and took a cab to the Hollywood Beach Sea Turtle Sanctuary. According to the driver, Joe Tobias, they wanted to release baby Kemp Ridley Sea Turtles. Tobias tried telling them that it wasn't the right time of year for sea turtles to lay eggs, but the 5 healers were determined to release them anyway.

According to the security tapes at the Sanctuary, the men mistook the wind up toy sea turtles as babies and took them all to the beach to release them and watch their journey to the ocean.

The men awoke at 7am covered in sand and sea weed as well as wind up sea turtles surrounded by both Broward and Dade County police. It is said that as police were leading Dr Lee in hand cuffs to the police car, he was overheard muttering, "Namaste, Mutha Fucka."

Doctors Lee, Chow and the three other men, whose names have not been disclosed yet, have been released on bail and are scheduled to appear in court in the coming month with charges of public nudity, public intoxication, breaking and entering and quoting really bad films.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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