Written by Mark Garrison
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Friday, 6 January 2012

image for Santorum Denies Criticizing Gays, Claims He Said "Humus Chemicals"

Concord, NH -- Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has again found himself in hot water, just days after controversy over his remarks about blacks and welfare. This time the controversy was due to comments he made during a stump speech in New Hampshire.

Twenty seven news cameras recorded Santorum speaking about his views on homosexuals. Santorum can be heard saying "Homosexuals can't raise children." Shortly after that comment, cameras recorded the GOP candidate saying, "Homosexuals don't deserve the same right to marry that real people do." Santorum then went into an explanation about his views on gays in the military by saying that they "shouldn't be allowed anywhere near guns, tanks, nuclear codes, or my ass."

After his speech was over, Santorum's press director could be seen feverishly running to Santorum with multiple mobile devices and a concerned look on his face. Later in the evening, Santorum appeared on several political news programs to face the criticism over his comments, which many groups viewed as too harsh, even for a Republican.

Santorum explained that he never said "homosexuals" and instead claimed to have actual said "humus chemicals."

When asked to elaborate by CNN's John King, Santorum said, "You know, I read those reports about what people think I said, and I never said that stuff. I was talking about these humus chemicals that I read about on Wikipedia that can affect people in different ways."

When King asked Santorum to elaborate on every comment, Santorum said that he actually said that "Humus chemicals can braise children if people aren't careful. That humus chemicals don't reserve tables like people can. And that humus chemicals should not be used near buns, banks, ocular modes, or his past."

Santorum then told King that he was a "big fat douche tard," and when King asked Santorum to apologize, Santorum told King, "For what? I just invited you for some pig bat fruit in my yard. Jeez."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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