Written by The Incredible Sulk
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Thursday, 5 January 2012

image for Michelle Bachmann: Wicked Witch of the Midwest
What Michelle Bachmann may look like as a witch

Following her defeat in the Iowa caucus, Michelle Bachmann has vowed to return to her previous occupation as a witch.

'I'll not be wearing a pointy hat and riding a broomstick', she cackled, 'that would be silly. Besides, I've accrued lots of air miles throughout my campaign and I don't like hats. I just want to return to doing what I'm best at', she continued, 'though thanks to Obamacare, less people are looking to witches for potions and spells as an alternative to conventional medicine'.

As none of the journalists present were able to stop her from talking, she added, 'You never know, I may also do some guest lecturing at Hogwarts, or I may even try and convince Sarah [Palin] to join me as Wicked Witch of the North. Lol'.

She also denied that her recent campaign was an utter failure. 'On the contrary', she babbled, 'I think it was probably Satan influencing the voters in order to lead me back to the dark arts'. Questioned on how her faith in Satan had influenced her politics in other ways, she commented, 'Obviously it guided me in my policy choices and, of course, how do you think I was so well-versed in what gets you into hell?' she shrieked.

She also declined to offer and explanation as to who the five small dolls on her desk represented, despite being clearly labeled Mitt, Rick, Ron and Newt. Furthermore, there was no explanation forthcoming as to why they had numerous pins protruding from 'private' areas. 'I don't do voodoo', she sulked, 'I don't go in for that foreign nonsense. I stick with good old fashioned American black magic'.

A representative of Hogwarts School has denied any knowledge of his own existence and any possible offers of employment that have been extended to Ms Bachmann at the non-existent school.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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