Washington DC - The First Lady has taken further and more drastic action in her efforts to raise everyone's children for them. Michelle Obama, whose work to bring tasteless and crappy food to the nation's school cafeterias was a dismal failure and only spawned "underground junk food operations," has gone a step further.
"You can't expect America's parents to know what their doing," she stated. "I'm the wife of the most powerful man in the world. That automatically makes me wiser. So I am organizing a committee of one thousand mothers to personally go door to door, spank your children for you, then send them to bed without their supper. It's for the greater good."
The First Lady says that she would personally join the committee, beginning her spanking campaign in Arkansas.
"Those inbreeds need it the most," says the wife of the socialist guy who was just white enough to become President. "I will only spank with my hand, and then they go right to bed. No supper or TV."
"We were more than happy to have her take over our responsibilities as parents," said Agatha Krohn, an Arkansas resident. "Why, she just walked right in and asked where little Jeffery was. She spanked him good and sent him crying to his room, rubbing his little bottom. It was great to see someone finally step in and do our job for us."
Parents all across America are thrilled at the thought of the First Lady's visit and are making preparations.
"We've told the kids all about it," said David Weir, a Nebraska resident. "We've told them - 'The First Lady's coming to paddle you good. Then you get no supper. And it's for your own good, because your mother and I are not capable of making good decisions and need the wife of the President to make these decisions for us.'"
The First Lady also plans to perform regular checks to make sure the children are doing their homework, cleaning their rooms, playing only the two video games she deems healthy and making sure they're not playing with their private parts in public.
"America needs me," she says. "And by-golly, I'm gonna be there for em!"