Sioux Iowa - Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has suspended her campaign for the White House after her dismal, sixth place finish in Tuesday night's caucuses.
"I have heard the word of the Lord and he has told me to stand aside," she told a room of supporters and reporters in Iowa. Bachmann said she leaves the race knowing the campaign was run "with integrity and fanatical bat guano". She said now, "I am going back to Minnesota there eh and enjoy the good old fashion things I loved before -like my homemade moose knuckle pie".
Bachmann stressed that her faith in God and the nation remain "unshakable"; however, she did have some questions for Jesus as to why he has chosen the Broncos over her beloved 3-14 Vikings.
Almost immediately after seeing her single digit poll numbers, the Minnesota congresswoman canceled a campaign trip to South Carolina. She said she was afraid to go there anyway with so many colored folk. She also scheduled a conference with Sarah 'Bat Shit Crazy' Palin to debrief and unwind.
Bachmann insiders do not see any reason to hold up hope for a 2016 run and have listed the Bachmann Presidential Bus on eBay. So far there is only one bid for the bus. User named Bootycain1 who has bid $25,000 over the reserve price saying "I'd bid more if that find a$$ Bachmann would tour with me". So far Bachmann has not commented on the offer and says she misses her cousin Jeannie's sweet moose knuckle pie.