DES MOINES, Iowa - After being on the political campaign trail for 205 days and 205 nights Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has announced that she is suspending her GOP presidential run.
Bachmann speaking before a crowd estimated to be 91 percent supporters told the audience that she has decided that her husband and family needs her more than the people of the United States do.
A voice in the back hollered out, "So the political beating that you just got here in Iowa was not a factor?"
Bachmann brushed at her huge expanse of hair, forced a smile, and replied that finishing in 5th place although not a good thing was really not a bad thing.
She then pointed out that several very successful women who had placed in 5th place had gone on to be very successful.
"Like who?" Shouted another voice from the back.
Bachmann pursed her lips and replied that Nancy Pelosi had once finished in 5th place in The Miss Avocado Dip Beauty Pageant in Sausalito, California.
She pointed out that Snooki Polizzi had once finished in 5th place in a Miss Munchkin Contest in Passaic, New Jersey, and that even that hateful witch Ann Coulter had once come in 5th in a Trigger Lookalike Contest in Paducah, Kentucky.
The voice in the back hollered out "How about the Matt Damon sex tapes."
Bachmann turned red. Her campaign manager said that she would not be answering anymore questions and especially silly ones about people and tapes that Bachmann knows nothing about.
Michele told her campaign manager that it was okay and that she would go ahead and address the Matt Damon sex tape rumors. She cleared her throat and said that she has no idea who the hell started the rumors about an alleged tryst between her and Matt Damon.
She added that she is 55, and Matt Damon is 41, so if one does the math she is old enough to be his much older sister.
Bachmann did say that a very close, inside, unnamed, highly reliable source told her that the rumor was probably started by someone who loves being a practical joker like Rick "Electric Chair" Perry, Mitt "Old Mittens" Romney, or Ron "Rip Van Winkle" Paul.
She then remarked that it really does not matter anymore because now she can simply return to her mansion in Minnesota and spend her time baking Viking shaped oatmeal raisin cookies.