Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

image for Iowan Eight "Mitt Romney voters" wake up with hangovers and recant - "He's a Pratt!" hits the morning papers
"I went out for a pizza and next thing, I'm shitfaced and a Romney voter!" complains one of the Iowa Eight.

Mitt Romney's Mormon Holy Quest to lock down the 2012 Republican presidential nomination was sharply undercut this morning when eight Iowans who had apparently participated in caucus while under the influence of various dance club substances woke up early with nasty hangovers and that funny feeling of having done something stupid the night before - a feeling often accompanied by awaking by one or more unattractive strangers.

In this case, all eight - now known nationally as The Iowan Eight as they initiate their ardent disavowals - woke up at or near their own front doors but remain skeptical of voting for Mr. Romney, indeed (and understandably) they are somewhat skeptical of living in Iowa.

In the first Republican contest of the season, the candidates were separated much of the night by only a handful of votes, with Mr. Pratt-Romney - tenth generation Mormon and subject of Nova special last year on what scientists call 'the Founder Effect', a dumbing down common with small rabid inbred closed groups - being declared the winner by eight ballots early Wednesday morning.

But the outcome is now being challenged by eight not-yet-sober voters even as the race moves to New Hampshire and South Carolina without Gov. Rick Perry, who announced that he was returning to Texas to assess his bank account.

The Iowa caucuses did not deliver a clean answer to what type of candidate Republicans intend to rally behind to try to defeat Harvard Law graduate President Obama and win back the White House, other than he is likely to be white, radically conservative and ridiculously stupid.

"On to New Hampshire, let's get that job done!" Mr. Pratt-Romney told supporters at a late-night rally, when three of the recanting voters had yet to allegedly place their ballot. "Come visit us there, we've got some hard work and hard drinking ahead."

The last time the Iowa caucuses produced such a close outcome was in 1980, when George Bush beat Ronald Reagan with a polo mallet until he cried "uncle", a stunt he regretted for many years under the stern two-term presidency of Nancy Reagan.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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