Written by SamIAm
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Topics: Local

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

image for Everyone In Whole Wide World Hates Local Man
The hated Ezekiel Stanford poses for a photo as throngs below him chant "jump!"

Kansas City - A local man here discovered today that indeed everyone in the whole wide world hated him and wished he was dead - including his own family, who would love nothing more than to smash his head in.

Ezekiel Stanford, 40, a local man who has nothing of value to offer anyone, was told by everyone in the world, "We hate you, you good for nothing fart!"

"I started receiving calls from everyone in the world last night," says the worthless loser, Stanford. "They said stuff like: We just want you to know, we're trying not to think of you and that we hate you. Or, they say, Please die soon. You know. Stuff like that."

Stanford says that he has received over 4 billion calls from people all over the world. Some speak in languages he cannot understand because he's too stupid, but from their tone of voice Stanford can tell they hate him and want him dead.

"I'm not sure why everyone hates me," says the idiot. "I thought I was just a normal guy who did normal things. But apparently, that's not how others see me."

"God, I hate that guy," said President Obama during a press conference at the White House. "Just yesterday I was conversing with Gala Matuba, the ambassador of Mali, and we both agreed that this Stanford jackass was a complete loser. I would personally love to punch him in the face over and over until he stopped breathing."

The small community of Oak View, Maine changed a sign that said, "Jesus Loves You!" to saying: "Jesus Loves Everyone But Ezekiel Stanford Because He Deserves To Burn In Hell!"

Jesus, the Son of God, agreed. "Yes," he said. "I absolutely hate that man."

Peter Chavez, the Mayor of Westport, Michigan is organizing a task force that will track down Stanford, capture him, humiliate him on camera and then kill him.

"We're really looking forward to it as a community," he said. "We all hate his stinking guts. Even my cat hates him. It's just natural."

Stanford says he will continue to try and change the view of the whole wide world. "I want them to know I'm a decent guy," he lied, because that's what losers do - they lie. "I have a lot to offer the world. I'd like to have a girlfriend and raise a family someday. I just want to contribute to society in a good way. But it's hard to do when everyone in the whole wide world hates your guts."

What a loser.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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