Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Tuesday, 3 January 2012

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The Next President

Ames, IA-- Drag-queen RuPaul has won the Iowa Caucus in one of the greatest upsets in political history! The colorful gender bender has never visited Iowa and wasn't even on the ballot until yesterday.

"I thought I was voting for Ron Paul!" said a stunned voter.

RuPaul says she supports everything that Ron Paul stands for.

"End the Fed, stop the wars, but most important of all--better lip gloss for everyone!" she laughed.

The other Republican candidates in the race reacted with shock to the results. Ron Paul said he accepted the results, and welcomed the additional competition. Rick Santorum burst into tears, and Newt Gingrich fainted.

RuPaul said she was delighted with the win. She couldn't resist giving some catty advice to her cohorts.

"Listen up Ron Paul, you need to put some color in those cheeks! I can also recommend a good mascara for you, if you want! Hey Michelle Bachman--where did you get such fugly shoes--no wonder you lost! And Newt Gingrich--do something with that hair! It looks like there's a dead gray cat on top of your head!" she laughed.

All the other candidates have left Iowa for next week's vote in New Hampshire, except for RuPaul.

"It's too cold up there, it's bad for my complexion." she laughed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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