Written by SamIAm
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Topics: Relationships

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

image for Local Man Voluntarily Removes Own Testicles Before Committing To Relationship
Sloan contemplates gouging out his own eyeballs.

Kansas City - A local man here manipulated his own mind with guilt-trips until reaching the decision to remove his own testicles before committing himself to a relationship.

40 year-old Jack Sloan reported to officials that he had used a plastic butter knife from Kentucky Fried Chicken to remove his own ball sack along with the testicles, because he felt it better to "get it over with now."

"I figured it was going to happen sooner or later," Sloan said. "Ralena - that's my girlfriend - would do it eventually anyway."

Sloan says that the only difference between him removing his own balls and Ralena doing it was that he would get it over with quickly, whereas his girlfriend would spend the next ten years gnawing away at them until his balls were gone and he wouldn't even notice.

"At least this way I can say good-bye to them," says Sloan.

The girlfriend, Ralena Cook, expressed her anger. "I can't believe he did that," she screamed at reporters. "He removed his own ball sack? What's wrong with him? Is he crazy? THAT'S MY JOB!"

Sloan also plans on cutting out his own tongue so he can literally "never have a say in anything," and is doing stretching exercises with his arms so he can stab himself in the back.

"I have plans in the works to tear my own heart out," says Sloan. "But I know it'll kill me. So that's years down the road after I've been happy and content a while."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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