Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 1 January 2012

image for The Unbelievable Video of Ex-Penn State Football Coach Jerry Sandusky At The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo In Tarzana
A Rain Forest yellow banded poison dart frog that Coach Sandusky had sitting on his lap.

TARZANA - An undercover private investigator has uncovered what he calls evidence that is not going to help the case of Jerry Sandusky, the former coach of the Nittany Lions of Penn State.

The investigator who would not reveal his name for reasons of professional privacy and career secrecy did allow for his California Private Investigator's Federation membership number to be made public.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The membership number is CPIF-7978003, which I was able to trace as belonging to a Mr. Fitzwilliam F. Viviovich of El Segundo, California.]

Mr. Viviovich handed over some video to Fajita San Guacamole of Hollywood Innuendo. The video was allegedly shot back on March 17, 2011, while Mr. Sandusky was visiting Tarzana and checking out a soccer-style field goal kicker that Penn State was thinking about recruiting.

In the 43-minute video, Sandusky can be shown in the Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo with what appears to be about a 20-pound bag of petting zoo food.

We first see the ex-Penn State coach petting an African wildebeest who becomes very aroused at the fact that Sandusky is actually throwing the petting zoo food at the animals belly button.

A short time later we see the infamous coach bending down to pet a Brazilian marmoset who takes the petting zoo food from his belt buckle where he has managed to balance it.

We later see the gray-haired old codger petting a Madagascar boa constrictor with an up and down movement that gains in speed growing into a feverish pitch where the snake finally lets out some kind of muffled moan and slithers off into a nearby rock cave.

Another animal that is shown receiving petting zoo food is a Rain Forest yellow banded poison dart frog. The frog actually jumps up on the coach's lap where it sits for a good seven minutes as Sandusky very carefully hand-feeds it.

Towards the end of the video we see the old coot standing next to a Peruvian penguin. And as the video is running we see the coach take a handy pale of ice water and pour it over the penguin.

The penguin can be seen enjoying the hell out of that but not as much as Jerry Sandusky who is rubbing the penguin's fins as the video clearly captures the former coach's tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth.

At that point a zoo official and a zoo security guard walk up to the ex-Penn State coach and confiscate what is left of his bag of petting zoo food and escort him out of the petting zoo area and completely off the zoo property.

SIDENOTE: Apparently Coach Sandusky has not seen the video but he did make a comment saying that the whole video was positively photoshopped because he does not remember ever seeing a Madagascar boa constrictor much less petting it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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