Written by TAR
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Topics: Toronto

Friday, 30 December 2011

image for 'Toronto' Mayor Rob Ford Gets Into The 'Eggnog'
"What's In That Stuff"

Early Christmas morning, police were summoned to the suburban 'castle' of Mayor Rob Ford about a reported serious domestic dispute. It was the second such call in many months for the popular 'potty mouthed prince'.

On Oct. 25, less than 15 hours after Ford himself called 911 regarding the horrible intrusion of the comedy show This Hour has 29 Minutes on his property, officers from 27 Division were back at the Etobicoke residence on another serious domestic call.

"Yes its true, our darlin Mayor had a wee nip with the city elves on Christmas morning and the mother-in-law called police between 4 and 5 a.m. to report that the jolly old Mayor had been lightly boozing and was taking his children to Florida to ride the 'Tea Cups' against the wishes of his concerned wife Ratanna," explains Marge Delahunty Senior City Hall spokesperson and 'spin doctor' for the Mayor's Office.  

The Youth and Family Harmony Unit, which handles all domestic disputes, including incidents that are strictly verbal, is still investigating both interesting events. No charges have been laid at this time against the man of the hour.

An interview request submitted to Ford's office, which detailed the contents of this story, went unanswered so we called the mayors mother-in-law to give us the goods on this interesting unfolding drama.  "Apparently the Mayor has put a gag order on the dear sweet angel of a woman as we speak," reports Zelda Doolitle from the Toronto Now News.

According to numerous police and emergency service sources, 911 calls to the Mayor's Edenridge Dr. lair are an everyday reality for the South Etobicoke division. Exactly how many calls have been made is unknown but it appeared the 911 staffers were busier than Santa himself.

The calls leave police in an terrible uncomfortable quandary. Ford is the city's chief magistrate of some sort. The mayor - or a designate acting on his behalf - has a seat on the police board. In fact, four of the seven board elves are appointed by city council. Police Chief Bart Blare reports to this civilian oversight board.  The whole situation is apparently one ugly municipal mess.

The chief was unavailable for comment as well Thursday, according to a spokesperson.  Marge Delahunty  explained, "Ford's position is 'absolute' and we will never be put in a difficult situation by his innocent antics."

Through sources, the Toronto Now News has heard about a handful of incidents in recent years involving the jolly old mayor.  

In March 2008, Ford, then still a councillor, called 911 after a conflict with Ratanna. Ford said she was acting more "irrational" than a horny hoot howl. He left their suburban castle with the couple's children and fled to the hills.  Ford told reporters the couple had another little tiff, nothing out of the ordinarie.

When reached this week at their Etobicoke home, only a few streets away from the mayor's, Ratanna Ford's parents said it was all a big huge mistake.

"We don't want to talk about it. We are right in the middle making 5 kinds of perogies, kaputsta and polish sausage for the big boy.  Everything okay. . . Now everything  okay," said Henrika Brewjniak.

Marge Delahunty winked, "Robbie has stressed himself out this week and needs a well deserved big buffet to bring him down and get his strength back up so he can continue to run our Toronto empire."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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