Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 29 December 2011

image for The United States To Do Away With The Food Stamp Program
President Obama discussing Michelle's new Michelle Obama Gift of Nutrition Program with Chaz Bono.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a year-long undercover investigation that has uncovered thousands of unethical and illegal practices and schemes attributed to the current Food Stamp Program, President Obama has issued a presidential directive eliminating the program known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program or SNAP.

President Obama said that most of the 45,397,302 individuals who were participating in the old program will be switched over into a new program.

The new program will replace the Food Stamp Debit Card that U.S. investigators said had been abused an average of 281,714 times a day.

Two of the biggest offenders were discovered to be Mr. and Mrs. Atticus P. Ragdorf of Cincinnati, Ohio, who were found to have abused the program an average of 29 times a day going back as far as 1993.

Granola Dallydoo with the D.C. Dispatch Diplomat Newspaper stated that thousands of unscrupulous participants in the Food Stamp Program had devised ways of fraudulently using the Food Stamp Debit Card.

These lawbreakers illegally purchased non-food items such as Boone's Farm Wine, Mens Air Jordan Retro XIV Men's Basketball Shoes, cellulite removing salve, condoms, NFL football tickets, bullets, farm tools, Justin Bieber CDs, bras, and bling bling.

The new program which has been dubbed The Michelle Obama Gift of Nutrition Program will not involve stamps, debit cards, or any kind of electronic transfer.

The new Free Food Program will be based solely on the honor system, which Mrs. Obama has stated is one way in which people who are suffering from poverty can be shown that they can be trusted to be honest and do the right thing and eventually get off the Free Food Program altogether.

Under the new program, the poor people in every state (except for Vermont which has no poor people) will be allowed to go into any grocery store in the nation and simply sign for whatever food products they want, of course beer, skateboards, supermarket tabloids, underwear, pet toys, cosmetics, and tampons will not be included since they do not fall in the food product category.

Reports are that a two-month long pilot program that was recently conducted in West Hollywood proved to work like a charm.

Anyone wishing to find out more about how to go about participating in the new Michelle Obama Gift of Nutrition Program can do so by going to www.thankyousomuchmichelle.yum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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